Tales of a victor: HBO

HBO is a winner: http://www.rakontur.com/2008/12/19/cocaine-cowboys-hbo-tv-series-announcement/

Note the final words: Bruckheimer and Bay are the latest A-list names to partner with HBO. The pay cable network inked an exclusive deal with Oprah Winfrey this week.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: National Archives

HBO vs. Showtime

Has this year been a little rough for HBO? I don't know how they're doing financially, but I can tell you the latest season of "Entourage" was a notch below previous caliber--despite my love for J.Piven. And what with their hottest competitor, Showtime, all over the place with its "Dexter" and "Weeds" and "Californication," I bet even Mark Wahlberg was starting to feel a wee uneasy. Well...Wahlberg has Calvin Klein-clad balls of steel, so perhaps he felt fine, but the HBO execs might have been biting their nails. After all, they're premium cable, not basic. Content is never merely filler--content is everything.

Lucky for HBO, with the announcement of the Golden Globes nominations last week, there finally was a small slice of validation pie into which they could sink their humble teeth. HBO received top honors with 22 nominations, doing better than all the basic networks combined. Showtime followed far behind with eight. What does that say? Showtime gets the status, HBO gets the statues? Or is "True Blood" really better than "Dexter"?

A look at both networks:
HBO
+ Birthplace of "Sex and the City" and "The Sopranos"
- Who's watching "Summer Heights High"?
+ Just signed a development deal with Oprah Winfrey's HARPO Productions to develop movies and/or rule the earth

SHOWTIME
- Deathplace of "Kirstie Allie: Fat Actress"
- Recently signed a seven-year deal with The Weinstein Company to have first-air rights to their films, starting in 2009...meaning Showtime will air SCREAM 4 and a film called THE MEERKATS. What?
+ Well, there is "Dexter."

Round 1
HBO throws a sheet of paper with their Globes nominations scribbled on it.
Showtime throws a TV.
= TV counts as rock. Paper covers rock; HBO wins.

Round 2
HBO throws back the TV while screaming "It's not TV; it's HBO!"
Showtime cowers in fear, begs for a rematch.
= Rematch allowed. HBO is told to curb its enthusiasm.
= Showtime smokes some weed(s) to calm down; gets the munchies.

Round 3
HBO throws a cake--with scissors baked inside.
Showtime throws pages from Secret Diary of a Callgirl, scarfs the cake, chokes on the scissors.
= Scissors cut paper; HBO wins.
= Scissors cut Dexter; The Sopranos win.
= HBO declared overall winner.

Winner (HBO) receives: nominations!
Loser (Showtime) gets: TiVo'd.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: IMP Awards

Lance Armstrong vs. Michael Phelps

Lance Armstrong just won't quit, that one-balled wonder. Word is he's training to race in (and thus smash) the Tour de France. Again. All things according to his plan, the 2009 race will make his eighth win--which is exactly how many gold medals Michael Phelps took home at the Olympics this past summer. Michael Phelps, who apparently was a nice guy before TheCycle.com called him "The Lance Armstrong of Swimming." Um, that would be inaccurate. Michael has both his gonads and has never--and will never--date and then dump Sheryl Crowe. The best he could get is probably Hilary Duff's sister....

So if the two athletic champions, one of water, one of road, were to battle for the title of Most Surprisingly Gifted Athlete of the Decade (and if that legless Paralympic runner, Oscar Pistorius, wasn't allowed to compete), would they do it in the pool (meaning the title would go to Phelps) or on the trail (Armstrong)? Or would it be in neutral territory, like a basketball court (Phelps) or a hospital wing (Armstrong)? How about on Roshambowned?

A look at their strengths and weaknesses.
LANCE ARMSTRONG
+ Has one ball...which in his case has proven an advantage.
- Dumped Sheryl Crowe, i.e., ridiculously cocky (snap!)
+ Friends with Matthew McConaughey

MICHAEL PHELPS
- Not cute (like really, what's he doing on the cover of my December GQ?)
+ Plays professional poker, i.e. is a bit of a gambler
+ Could eat a house for breakfast

Round 1
Lance throws scissors, extremely quickly.
Michael throws his letter inviting him onto Barbara Walter's "10 Most Fascinating People" special.
= Scissors cut paper; Lance wins.
= Lance phones Barb to ask why he wasn't invited. She releases a press statement saying the decision process was "difficult," but refuses to speak to Lance directly.

Round 2
Lance throws scissors again.
Michael throws rock.
= Rock blunts scissors; Michael wins.
= Michael's ADD kicks in, and he asks if they can switch to poker. Lance starts bragging about how great he probably is at poker. Michael declines to play with him.

Round 3
Lance sticks to his guns, throws scissors.
Michael throws scissors, too!
= Draw!

Round 4
In an unexpected move, Lance throws rock.
In an unexpected counter-attack, Michael throws a half-eaten house!
= Robeaucop rules the house is not a suitable weapon, especially since Lance just biked through the front door, rendering the intended collision of man and building incomplete. Flag on the play.
= Michael takes a break to eat the rest of the house. Burps.
= Lance splashes his face with water, goes "Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!" and is ready for more.

Round 5
Lance throws one of McConaughey's bongo drums.
To try and distract him, Michael throws a Sheryl Crowe CD.
= That would be wood vs. plastic. Flag on the play; illegal substitution.
= Lance plays drum to Sheryl's hit single, "Soak Up the Sun," to focus before Round 7.

Round 6
Lance throws scissors.
All ego, Michael throws that GQ with his face on it.
= Scissors cut paper; improve magazine cover. Lance wins.
= Lance declared overall winner.

Winner (Lance Armstrong) receives: no more testicular cancer?
Loser (Michael Phelps) gets: taping of his night hosting Saturday Night Live.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: DoSomething.org

Face Wash vs. Body Scrub

It turns out--and I've done the research--that the average person washes their face either at the beginning or the end of their shower. That's right: the order is usually face-body. Or body-face. But it's hardly ever cheek-body-turn-the-other-cheek.* You don't want to scrub your armpit and then your face. There's something hygienically off-putting about that.

But what happens when you're rushed for time, like, when your three-day Thanksgiving bender leaves you shakily unable to stand long enough to commit to a "full" shower. I've heard that happens to some people. Not me, but some people I don't know. And when that happens, what do they sacrifice--washing the face? That's just gross. You gotta get that vomit off your chin. So do you only go for the "pressure points" (that's pits and crotch) and then wear face-shielding shades? (Maybe that's what all those celebrities are hiding under their Prada frames: dirty cheeks.) Well, Paris, it's time to come clean.

Let's take a look at the pros and cons of washing with...
FACE WASH
+ Wakes you up quickly
- During removal of product, water occasionally shoots up your nose in a most unpleasant fashion
- Doesn't help with body odor

BODY SCRUB
+ Scrubby
- Scrubby
+ Makes the bathroom smell nicer than when you use the toilet

Round 1
Face Wash throws washcloth.
Body Scrub throws loofah.
= Robeaucop declares a draw.
= Body Scrub sings in the shower.
= Face Wash vomits in the sink.

Round 2
Face Wash throws washcloth again.
Body Scrub throws a pumice stone.
= Paper covers rock; Face Wash wins.

Round 3
Face Wash throws scissors.
Body Scrub throws that silly loofah.
= Scissors cut up the loofah; Face Wash wins.
= Face Wash declared over-all victor--meaning, if you're only got five minutes...go for the face.

Winner (Face Wash) receives: principle role in a Noxzema commercial.
Loser (Body Scrub) gets: to clean Paris Hilton.

Who should throwdown next?

* = Maybe for Jesus.

Photos: Freshome