HBO vs. Showtime

Has this year been a little rough for HBO? I don't know how they're doing financially, but I can tell you the latest season of "Entourage" was a notch below previous caliber--despite my love for J.Piven. And what with their hottest competitor, Showtime, all over the place with its "Dexter" and "Weeds" and "Californication," I bet even Mark Wahlberg was starting to feel a wee uneasy. Well...Wahlberg has Calvin Klein-clad balls of steel, so perhaps he felt fine, but the HBO execs might have been biting their nails. After all, they're premium cable, not basic. Content is never merely filler--content is everything.

Lucky for HBO, with the announcement of the Golden Globes nominations last week, there finally was a small slice of validation pie into which they could sink their humble teeth. HBO received top honors with 22 nominations, doing better than all the basic networks combined. Showtime followed far behind with eight. What does that say? Showtime gets the status, HBO gets the statues? Or is "True Blood" really better than "Dexter"?

A look at both networks:
HBO
+ Birthplace of "Sex and the City" and "The Sopranos"
- Who's watching "Summer Heights High"?
+ Just signed a development deal with Oprah Winfrey's HARPO Productions to develop movies and/or rule the earth

SHOWTIME
- Deathplace of "Kirstie Allie: Fat Actress"
- Recently signed a seven-year deal with The Weinstein Company to have first-air rights to their films, starting in 2009...meaning Showtime will air SCREAM 4 and a film called THE MEERKATS. What?
+ Well, there is "Dexter."

Round 1
HBO throws a sheet of paper with their Globes nominations scribbled on it.
Showtime throws a TV.
= TV counts as rock. Paper covers rock; HBO wins.

Round 2
HBO throws back the TV while screaming "It's not TV; it's HBO!"
Showtime cowers in fear, begs for a rematch.
= Rematch allowed. HBO is told to curb its enthusiasm.
= Showtime smokes some weed(s) to calm down; gets the munchies.

Round 3
HBO throws a cake--with scissors baked inside.
Showtime throws pages from Secret Diary of a Callgirl, scarfs the cake, chokes on the scissors.
= Scissors cut paper; HBO wins.
= Scissors cut Dexter; The Sopranos win.
= HBO declared overall winner.

Winner (HBO) receives: nominations!
Loser (Showtime) gets: TiVo'd.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: IMP Awards