Texas vs. California

It's been dying to happen. Both brag at being the bigger state, and both claim to swing the bigger election-year stick. But everyone knows California avocados are used in Texas guacamole, and everyone suspects California's workforce would be small and dwindling had Texas not increased its border patrol.

They compliment one another and yet they are rivals. What Texas started with "Dallas," California finished with "The O.C." What California cleverly concocted (yet ultimately dismembered) with BRING IT ON, versions one to infinitum, Texas repackaged and slyly syndicated in a taut, little reality show called, "Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders." Don't pretend you've never watched it. It's in your Tivo, I've seen it there.

TEXAS
+ Short, stout and very greasy (i.e., not afraid to play dirty, has a low center of gravity)
+ Wields a concealed weapon
+ Remembers the Alamo

CALIFORNIA
+ Tall, lean, muscular, flexible, tanned and powered by hemp root and flaxseed oil
+ Has trained at Equinox with Gunnar Peterson, Fabio, Lance Armstrong, Billy Blanks
+ Constantly high on medical marijuana

Round 1
California throws recycled paper.
Texas throws rock.
- Paper covers rock, California wins.

Round 2
Texas throws rock.
California uses paper from round one, rolls a blunt, gets hungry, forgets to throw.
- California forfeits, Texas wins.

Round 3
California throws scissors.
Texas (concealed weapon alert!) throws the Alamo.
- Robeaucop rules that the Alamo, which is made of stone, qualifies as a rock. Rock smashes scissors, then California; causes an earthquake. Texas wins.

Winner (Texas) receives: lifetime supply of California avocados.
Loser (California) gets: stoned.

Next throwdown will be sticky/sweet.