Tales of a victor: HBO

HBO is a winner: http://www.rakontur.com/2008/12/19/cocaine-cowboys-hbo-tv-series-announcement/

Note the final words: Bruckheimer and Bay are the latest A-list names to partner with HBO. The pay cable network inked an exclusive deal with Oprah Winfrey this week.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: National Archives

HBO vs. Showtime

Has this year been a little rough for HBO? I don't know how they're doing financially, but I can tell you the latest season of "Entourage" was a notch below previous caliber--despite my love for J.Piven. And what with their hottest competitor, Showtime, all over the place with its "Dexter" and "Weeds" and "Californication," I bet even Mark Wahlberg was starting to feel a wee uneasy. Well...Wahlberg has Calvin Klein-clad balls of steel, so perhaps he felt fine, but the HBO execs might have been biting their nails. After all, they're premium cable, not basic. Content is never merely filler--content is everything.

Lucky for HBO, with the announcement of the Golden Globes nominations last week, there finally was a small slice of validation pie into which they could sink their humble teeth. HBO received top honors with 22 nominations, doing better than all the basic networks combined. Showtime followed far behind with eight. What does that say? Showtime gets the status, HBO gets the statues? Or is "True Blood" really better than "Dexter"?

A look at both networks:
HBO
+ Birthplace of "Sex and the City" and "The Sopranos"
- Who's watching "Summer Heights High"?
+ Just signed a development deal with Oprah Winfrey's HARPO Productions to develop movies and/or rule the earth

SHOWTIME
- Deathplace of "Kirstie Allie: Fat Actress"
- Recently signed a seven-year deal with The Weinstein Company to have first-air rights to their films, starting in 2009...meaning Showtime will air SCREAM 4 and a film called THE MEERKATS. What?
+ Well, there is "Dexter."

Round 1
HBO throws a sheet of paper with their Globes nominations scribbled on it.
Showtime throws a TV.
= TV counts as rock. Paper covers rock; HBO wins.

Round 2
HBO throws back the TV while screaming "It's not TV; it's HBO!"
Showtime cowers in fear, begs for a rematch.
= Rematch allowed. HBO is told to curb its enthusiasm.
= Showtime smokes some weed(s) to calm down; gets the munchies.

Round 3
HBO throws a cake--with scissors baked inside.
Showtime throws pages from Secret Diary of a Callgirl, scarfs the cake, chokes on the scissors.
= Scissors cut paper; HBO wins.
= Scissors cut Dexter; The Sopranos win.
= HBO declared overall winner.

Winner (HBO) receives: nominations!
Loser (Showtime) gets: TiVo'd.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: IMP Awards

Lance Armstrong vs. Michael Phelps

Lance Armstrong just won't quit, that one-balled wonder. Word is he's training to race in (and thus smash) the Tour de France. Again. All things according to his plan, the 2009 race will make his eighth win--which is exactly how many gold medals Michael Phelps took home at the Olympics this past summer. Michael Phelps, who apparently was a nice guy before TheCycle.com called him "The Lance Armstrong of Swimming." Um, that would be inaccurate. Michael has both his gonads and has never--and will never--date and then dump Sheryl Crowe. The best he could get is probably Hilary Duff's sister....

So if the two athletic champions, one of water, one of road, were to battle for the title of Most Surprisingly Gifted Athlete of the Decade (and if that legless Paralympic runner, Oscar Pistorius, wasn't allowed to compete), would they do it in the pool (meaning the title would go to Phelps) or on the trail (Armstrong)? Or would it be in neutral territory, like a basketball court (Phelps) or a hospital wing (Armstrong)? How about on Roshambowned?

A look at their strengths and weaknesses.
LANCE ARMSTRONG
+ Has one ball...which in his case has proven an advantage.
- Dumped Sheryl Crowe, i.e., ridiculously cocky (snap!)
+ Friends with Matthew McConaughey

MICHAEL PHELPS
- Not cute (like really, what's he doing on the cover of my December GQ?)
+ Plays professional poker, i.e. is a bit of a gambler
+ Could eat a house for breakfast

Round 1
Lance throws scissors, extremely quickly.
Michael throws his letter inviting him onto Barbara Walter's "10 Most Fascinating People" special.
= Scissors cut paper; Lance wins.
= Lance phones Barb to ask why he wasn't invited. She releases a press statement saying the decision process was "difficult," but refuses to speak to Lance directly.

Round 2
Lance throws scissors again.
Michael throws rock.
= Rock blunts scissors; Michael wins.
= Michael's ADD kicks in, and he asks if they can switch to poker. Lance starts bragging about how great he probably is at poker. Michael declines to play with him.

Round 3
Lance sticks to his guns, throws scissors.
Michael throws scissors, too!
= Draw!

Round 4
In an unexpected move, Lance throws rock.
In an unexpected counter-attack, Michael throws a half-eaten house!
= Robeaucop rules the house is not a suitable weapon, especially since Lance just biked through the front door, rendering the intended collision of man and building incomplete. Flag on the play.
= Michael takes a break to eat the rest of the house. Burps.
= Lance splashes his face with water, goes "Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!" and is ready for more.

Round 5
Lance throws one of McConaughey's bongo drums.
To try and distract him, Michael throws a Sheryl Crowe CD.
= That would be wood vs. plastic. Flag on the play; illegal substitution.
= Lance plays drum to Sheryl's hit single, "Soak Up the Sun," to focus before Round 7.

Round 6
Lance throws scissors.
All ego, Michael throws that GQ with his face on it.
= Scissors cut paper; improve magazine cover. Lance wins.
= Lance declared overall winner.

Winner (Lance Armstrong) receives: no more testicular cancer?
Loser (Michael Phelps) gets: taping of his night hosting Saturday Night Live.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: DoSomething.org

Face Wash vs. Body Scrub

It turns out--and I've done the research--that the average person washes their face either at the beginning or the end of their shower. That's right: the order is usually face-body. Or body-face. But it's hardly ever cheek-body-turn-the-other-cheek.* You don't want to scrub your armpit and then your face. There's something hygienically off-putting about that.

But what happens when you're rushed for time, like, when your three-day Thanksgiving bender leaves you shakily unable to stand long enough to commit to a "full" shower. I've heard that happens to some people. Not me, but some people I don't know. And when that happens, what do they sacrifice--washing the face? That's just gross. You gotta get that vomit off your chin. So do you only go for the "pressure points" (that's pits and crotch) and then wear face-shielding shades? (Maybe that's what all those celebrities are hiding under their Prada frames: dirty cheeks.) Well, Paris, it's time to come clean.

Let's take a look at the pros and cons of washing with...
FACE WASH
+ Wakes you up quickly
- During removal of product, water occasionally shoots up your nose in a most unpleasant fashion
- Doesn't help with body odor

BODY SCRUB
+ Scrubby
- Scrubby
+ Makes the bathroom smell nicer than when you use the toilet

Round 1
Face Wash throws washcloth.
Body Scrub throws loofah.
= Robeaucop declares a draw.
= Body Scrub sings in the shower.
= Face Wash vomits in the sink.

Round 2
Face Wash throws washcloth again.
Body Scrub throws a pumice stone.
= Paper covers rock; Face Wash wins.

Round 3
Face Wash throws scissors.
Body Scrub throws that silly loofah.
= Scissors cut up the loofah; Face Wash wins.
= Face Wash declared over-all victor--meaning, if you're only got five minutes...go for the face.

Winner (Face Wash) receives: principle role in a Noxzema commercial.
Loser (Body Scrub) gets: to clean Paris Hilton.

Who should throwdown next?

* = Maybe for Jesus.

Photos: Freshome

Halloween vs. Thanksgiving

They both love autumn, the color orange and cold mornings. And each one celebrates a basic human emotion (fear and colonialism, respectively). But it ain't about the ghouls and the goblins or the Pilgrims and the Natives-Who-Got-Treated-Worse-Than-Immigrants. This throwdown's really about one thing: edible delight. It's tootsie rolls versus turkey legs. Willy Wonka versus the lucky wishbone. Those candy corn pumpkins versus pumpkin pie filling straight from a can.

They both taste so good at the start--where Thanksgiving is savory, Halloween smacks of sweet--but they also both seem to promote a formidable amount of overeating. One leaves you with an uncomfortable trip to the dentist (Halloween), the other with an uncomfortable trip to your fat jeans (Thanksgiving). We already know which one gets dibs on an aisle at the neighborhood Wal-Mart, K-Mart or even Piggly Wiggly, but if you could only celebrate one or the other next year and every year thereafter...which would you rather eat?

A look at their fortes and faults.
HALLOWEEN
+ Only time of year you can get flavored tootsie rolls in bulk
+ Most would argue, signals the start of the holiday season
- Doesn't signal a day off work to the HR department

THANKSGIVING
- Constantly overlooked on the road from Halloween to Hanukkah/Christmastime
+ Has its own parade, sponsored by corporate America (Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade)
- There's a dog show during halftime?!

Round 1
Halloween throws candy wrappers.
Thanksgiving throws kitchen scissors.
= Scissors cut wrappers (paper); Thanksgiving wins.

Round 2
Halloween throws a knife covered in fake blood.
Thanksgiving throws a steak knife covered in Worcestershire sauce.
= This round is moot.
= Halloween puts on a Scream mask. Thanksgiving cowers in fear.

Round 3
Halloween throws vintage rock candy.
Thanksgiving throws cranberry sauce in a can, shaped like a can, hard as a rock.
= Draw

Round 4
Halloween throws scissors, cuts through some candy packaging.
Thanksgiving throws rock, kills a turkey. Vegans mourn.
= Rock blunts scissors; Thanksgiving wins.
= Thanksgiving declared overall victor.

Winner (Thanksgiving) receives: bragging rights, another personnalised song by Adam Sandler, candy.
Loser (Halloween) gets: tickets to the dog show; bills from the dentist.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: Slap Upside the Head

TRL vs. MadTV

Oh, the sadness. We've entered the age when the cable channel known as Music Television plays no music. We've entered the age when Ryan Seacrest decides what we like to hear, every Sunday morning at 9am on the neighborhood KIIS FM. We've entered the age when Carson Daly actually thinks he deserves a late night show.

And what makes it worse? On the other end of the channel spectrum, we're losing another dear friend. Fox has said bye-bye to MADtv, a show that no one has watched since SNL went from really bad to good again...to super political to about to be kinda whatever. No more rip-roaring, stark-raving MADtv? That means no more...no more...whatever was always on MADtv. Margaret Cho? Who was on that show?

Point is: the last, long-standing bastions of musical and comedic culture (apart from morning videos on VH1 and the meager warmth from SNL, respectively) are gone. But if one were to come back...which do you think it would be? Sorta funny or sorta song-y?

First, a look at our opponents.
TOTAL REQUEST LIVE
- Hardly ever plays a whole video, i.e. should actually be named Partial Request Live
+/- Introduced the Boy Band phenomenon
- Final episode of the show featured Seth Green

MADTV
+ Spy vs. Spy, Ambiguously Gay Duo...come on. That's good stuff.
+ Less stunt casting, no Miley Cyrus
- Less stunt casting, no Miley Cyrus

Round 1
TRL throws rock. And roll.
MADtv throws paper.
= Paper covers rock; TRL wins.

Round 2
TRL throws the Scissor Sisters.
MADtv throws Pauly Shore, who throws Encino Man, who throws rock.
= Rock blunts scissors; MADtv wins.
= Carson Daly tries to dance. It doesn't work out.

Round 3
TRL throws a little more rock, a little less pop. Alienates the older kids. Gets cancelled.
MADtv throws SNL. Whoops. Gets cancelled.
= That would be a tie.

No victor is declared! They both get cancelled! Who saw it coming?!

(A few moments of silence for the fallen elite....)

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: iStock photos

Hawaii vs. Costa Rica

Barack Obama has only just won his presidential throwdown, and though he has master plans and high ideals, the fact still remains: we're in a cesspool of economic mediocrity right now. Stock market is crashing. Friends are losing jobs. Cats are losing hair. Immigrants are mobilizing and high-tailing to Canada. It is not pretty. And you and I both know that Americans are not good at dealing with "not pretty." It's just easier for us to escape instead. That's why we watch so many movies; it's why we take so many "sick" days; it's why we go on so many weekend binge fests and wind up with puke in our hair halfway through Saturday with fourteen missed calls and a text from our ex asking "RU stil comin ovr?" Oh god. No, we are not. And that is when we know that Life, officially, has gotten us down. It's time for a vacation.

In terms of quick and easy, non-continental North American vacation, Hawaii used to be the It-spot. No passport needed, no stink eye from border patrol--and despite the rumors that it's part of the US, like San Francisco, Beverly Hills or Cost Plus World Market, it's still just foreign enough to feel exotic. Problem is...remember the cesspool? Hawaii ain't cheap. It's cheaper than, say, a call girl in Upper Manhattan, but it ain't free, durh.

Luckily every economic crisis has a silver lining. The '80s crash introduced Microsoft and crimped hair; this downward plunge is introducing...Costa Rica. Sunny and warm Costa Rica. Grab your zinc and parasols, ladies, Hawaii's about to get jealous.

But first, a look at their strengths and weaknesses.
HAWAII
- $604 on US Airways (budget airline!) from LAX
+ Mother of Mauna Loa macadamia nuts
+ Mother of Jack Johnson

COSTA RICA
+ $280 on American Airlines (patriotic!) from LAX
+ Most visited nation in the Central American region
- Has the world ranking of "5" in human poverty...i.e., not a fool-proof escape from the downturn.

Round 1
Hawaii throws a lei.
Costa Rica throws its state bird, the clay-colored robin.
= They both laugh, agree to forget this round, watch the sun set instead.

Round 2
Hawaii throws a hunk of lava rock.
Costa Rica throws one US dollar's worth of its inflated currency (that's 548 colon, ladies).
= Paper covers rock; Costa Rica wins.
= Costa Rica steals some chocolate-covered macadamia nuts from Hawaii's pocket! Hawaii plays the ukulele, finds more nuts--this time dry-roasted!

Round 3
Hawaii throws a bigger rock, the leftover nuts, a Hawaiian newspaper and EP's of Jack Johnson's "Brushfire Fairytales"
Costa Rica catches them all, throws the newspaper back, sells the rest on E-Bay.
= Despite Hawaii's tenacity, only the first throw counts.
= Paper covers rock; Costa Rica wins.
= Costa Rica declared overall victor and "best non-Sandals vacation spot of 2008."

Winner (Costa Rica) receives: more tourists, less poverty.
Loser (Hawaii) gets: more tourists.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: AllPosters.com

Guy Ritchie vs. A-Rod

Madonna is one of the most powerful women in the world. Melinda Gates probably trumps her, and yeah, sure, Oprah obviously, what with her Angel Network and her huge hair...but in terms of being a style chameleon and a pop culture icon, Madonna takes the cake.

Therefore, the artistically-respected, British cult director Guy Ritchie must have felt like a kid in a cake store when he had the idea, but eight years ago, to get this Biblically famous woman on his arm. A bit like David Beckham marrying Posh, they must have regarded each other on the wedding night and thought, "Well done, you. Good call."

The difference in their nuptials, however, ends there. Becks knew he was bringing home a cyborg on day one. Poor Guy had no idea. The chameleon began to...chamele, and before long the woman he had married--curly-haired, rough around the edges, bendy, fiercely sexual and full of brash, American willfulness--that woman became someone else entirely. Bony, Botoxed, stiff, chilly and...British.

The rumors detailing their break-up are a little crazy. Along with many yoga- and Kabbalah-related responsibilities, apparently Lady M kept Guy on a tight, sex-free leash. And though Madonna has creativity for spades where her career is concerned, she was kind of like kryptonite to his. Squinting into the "ray of light" rendered Guy more-or-less creatively blind for eight years straight, and there was no lasic surgery strong enough to save him. Is it any wonder that now, on the eve of their break-up, he's releasing the first good movie he's made since meeting her? If the early critics are to be believed, ROCKNROLLA is a return to form for Mr. Ritchie. So should Guy really be sad to see her go? Or just be happy there seems to be someone slightly insane enough to take her away?

If rumors are to be believed, Madonna has already traded up (down? sideways?) for a man named A-Rod. It's true, Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees is ridiculous when it comes to baseball. But if A-Rod now is going for Madonna...and all the yoga that entails...he might just be ridiculous. Was Madonna wrong to leave Guy? Will A-Rod fill the British, man-hungry void?

Let's take a look at their strengths and weaknesses.
GUY RITCHIE
+ Doesn't fake being British.
+ Soon to write and direct SHERLOCK HOLMES remake with Robert Downey Jr. and Rachel McAdams (i.e. back on the creative rise)
- Married "Evita," woke up with a "Beautiful Stranger"

A-ROD
+ Didn't make SWEPT AWAY
- If the tabloid tales are true, is a bit of a home wrecker (i.e., plays dirty)
+ Doesn't really need Madonna's money or fame to feel fabulous

Round 1
Guy throws eight years worth of bad script ideas.
A-Rod swings, hits 'em outta the park. The peanut gallery goes wild. Shutters flash; John Sterling gets the first interview.
= Technically, A-Rod's showiness does not count as a play. Robeaucop declares that delayed throw counts as a forfeit; Guy wins with paper. Lots and lots of useless paper.
= Madonna enters the stadium with Britney Spears. They make out; Guy gets swept away.

Round 2
A-Rod throws scissors, then his bat.
Guy forgets to throw.
= A-Rod wins by forfeit.

= Guy pulls A-Rod aside and asks him about any acting ambitions. A-Rod admits he wanted the lead in THE GAME PLAN (starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson). Guy gets to thinking, begins penning a screenplay.
Round 3
Guy throws (out) the first few pages of his screenplay.
Anticipating his opponent's Madonna-induced creative constipation, A-Rod throws scissors!
= Scissors cut paper; A-Rod wins.
= A-Rod declared overall winner. Guy sighs in relief.

Winner (Alex Rodriguez) receives: kabbalah beads, two orphan babies, a bump in salary.
Loser (Guy Ritchie) gets: his career back!

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: The London Telegraph

Election Special: Barack Obama vs. John McCain

If you have a TV, radio, computer, iPhone, crackberry or an okay friend who might be kind of annoying but who let's you borrow their gear, you'll have already heard that the 44th President of the United States has been named. His name is Barack Obama (add or drop a "Hussein," depending on your political leaning). At 11pm EST right as the West Coast polls closed, CNN delcared him the victor of one of the most controversial political races in American history with a huge "Breaking News" banner that interrupted the dramatic countdown everyone in my living room was enjoying. And that was it. Barack won.

But with 349 electoral votes, Barack Obama didn't just "win" this election. He kinda crushed it. Some news stations are calling it "close," but keep in mind it takes 270 electoral votes to win. At 48 states reporting, McCain had 147. And to remind you...Barack's at 349. Is that "close?" Or "lucky?" Or is it America finally waking up and smelling the eight-year old, over-roasted, teeth-staining, chagrin-inducing coffee?

Like "Danny Boy" in the British ditty, the pipes, the pipes, are calling old Johnny boy--and telling him to pack up his things, go back to his eight houses and weep behind clothes doors like a man of the people. Because clearly, in the game of politics, Barack has whooped McCain, and as we were amused to find in the battle of Texas vs. California, the pipes--or was it the joints?--usually signal a quick finish. If it were all decided by roshambo, however...who really would be our president?

BARACK OBAMA
+ So intelligent, he might be a computer
+ Supports budget cuts, universal health care and change
+ Flanked by two beautiful children...and an embarrassingly talkative vice president

JOHN MCCAIN
+ So old, he might be a dinosaur
+ Flanked by a wife he calls a trollop and...an embarrassingly talkative vice president (you betcha!)
+ Loves Joe Six-Pack, Joe the Plumber, Joe Blow Bubble-Gum, Bazooka Joe, The Joe-nas Brothers...and anything else that involves the name "Joe"

Round 1
Obama throws rock, encourages us to Ba-ROCK the vote.
McCain throws paper, realises he's out of money, takes the paper back, and hence forfeits his throw.
- Due to forfeit, Barack Obama wins.

Round 2
Obama throws change.
McCain scoops up the change, uses it for one last round of attack ads.
- Robeaucop flags Obama for illegal substitution, flags McCain for dirty campaigning. Rematch allowed.

Round 3
Obama throws a stack of ballots to all the swing states.
McCain throws a stack of ballots, but only at his constituency in Arizona.
- Draw.
- McCain, out of breath, asks for a sub. In an unprecedented move, Robeaucop allows McCain to sub in his running mate, Sarah Palin, who winks at the camera.

Round 4
Obama throws rock.
Palin throws a polar bear, shoots it in the face.
- Robeaucop flags Palin for unsportsmanlike conduct. One more flag and this match is over.
- Obama smiles confidently, but not too confidently, encouraging MoveOn.org to keep rolling calls.
- Palin asks for clarification on the rules of the game, gets "coached" by her party for a few days in the woods; returns without her rifle, ready for Round 5.

Round 5
Obama throws Pennsylvania.
Palin throws Alaska.
- Again, Robeaucop called in on the play. Declares both states, as masses of land, can count for rock. Win decided by electoral vote count.
- Pennsylvania = 21; Alaska = 3.
- Well, tell ya what, Sarah, looks like you plum lost right there.
- Barack Obama declared overall victor. John blames himself. Sarah blames Sarah.

Winner (Barack Obama) receives: the presidency. A very strong secret service unit. Lots of loose change.
Loser (John McCain/Sarah Palin) gets: Alaska.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: BarackObama.com

IHOP vs. Denny's

I forgot to fast-forward through a commercial break while watching some mundane weeknight television show one mundane weeknight, and I noticed that IHOP--that's THE International House of Pancakes, people--is having a bit of a holiday special. For the end of the scariest month of the year, IHOP is helping hungover Halloween revelers around the country celebrate with endless pancakes! That's right! All! You! Can! Eat! The commercial somehow tried to weave a theme of "trick or treat" into their eerily-lit, orange-colored pancake schematic, but it is quite obvious, from front to back and in both certain and uncertain terms: this is clearly, clearly a treat. What in life could be better than a fluffy, hot buttermilk short stack?

Denny's, IHOP's ugly cousin, asked themselves the same question and came up with the $4 Weekday Express Slam. In appreciation of American brokeness, the already alarmingly cheap 24/7 eatery is lowering its prices even more to offer two pancakes, 2 eggs and 2 meat-du-choix from 5am to 4pm every mundane day of the week--for a limited time only.

In reality, both chains are promoting their respective specials to appeal to the current communal desire to (a)spend less money while eating out, and (b)eat large amounts of breakfast at 3am. But only one of these chains actually has good food. And it ain't Denny's. I know, I know, some might say--what's the difference? Aren't they both 24hr diners with weak drip coffee, dirty bathrooms, and too many police in the entryway? And to those people I say, close your mouths. Don't desecrate The Hop by comparing her to the likes of Denny's--or even Grandy's, Mel's or Ruby's. Mel's is over-priced, Ruby's has only been around 25 years to IHOP's fifty, and Grandy's slogan is "a mouthful of memories." That is never what I want to think after eating out. As for Denny's, which is older than IHOP and disgustingly still alive, there's no excuse for the comparison. You will see in a matter of rounds how different the two pancake purveyors really are.

IHOP
+ Serves Russian blintzes, French toast and Belgian waffles, i.e., not xenophobic
+ Owns Applebees. Which is where you belong. (think about it)
+ Actually has amazing pancakes. They are really good. Don't get the steak, though. The place isn't called IHOS for a reason.

DENNY'S
+ Considered being a tickity-tack tranny before entering the restaurant business (true story)*
+ Helps starving musicians gain weight, get fat, get heart problems**
+ Briefly held a recurring guest spot on Grey's Anatomy

Round 1
IHOP throws a pancake (natch).
Denny's throws a Lumberjack Slam.
- Robeaucop rules pancake serves as paper; flags Denny's for throwing a person. However, Denny's lumberjack pulls out a pair of shears, surprising the onlookers.
- Scissors cut pancake; Denny's wins.

Round 2
Pissed at the secret attack from Round 1, IHOP throws Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n' Fruity.
Denny's throws Moons Over My Hammy.
- Robeaucop flags them both for Illegal Substitution. Playing dirty like a TTT, Denny's moons IHOP. IHOP gets rooty tooty and farts on Denny's; fight breaks out. Both subside shortly, however, out of breath and fearing complications from high cholesterol.

Round 3
Denny's throws a biscuit (hard as a rock).
IHOP throws a steak (is a rock).
- Draw.
- Denny's declared the winner. IHOP sulks, tries not to cry, demands a rematch. Denny's has already left the ring to celebrate with a victory 400-calorie milkshake.

Winner (Denny's) receives: all-he-can-eat IHOP pancakes, quickly followed by a heart transplant.
Loser (alas, poor IHOP) gets: everything on the Denny's dinner menu.

What should throwdown next?

* = May or may not be a true story.
** = Actually is a true story (which I must grudgingly admit I admire).

Photos: LA Times

Colin Powell vs. Joe Lieberman

Colin Powell recently announced his full-hearted support of Democratic candidate Barack Obama. That's right: Colin Powell, who was once a contestant in the 1996 fully syndicated game show "Let's Run for President!" playing on the Republican team (Go Elephants!). Some people--and by "some people," I mean "some Rush Limbaughs"--are calling it a matter of race instead of a matter of issues. Roshambowned thinks it's more a matter of Joe Lieberman.

Joe Lieberman (or as New York Magazine calls him, "Joe Vengence") suspiciously leaned to the right of Independent a few months back to bang McCain's drum in New Hampshire, and he's still banging. Well, as they say on codeweavers.com, one cross-over begets another. Barack must have secretly been fishing for someone who could best Liberman's self-righteous, starry-eyed, old man smirk with some sure-fired indignation. Well, he got his man. Older, fatter, a little lighter in complexion, and Barack got 'im. And maybe it's a matter of The Issues, or maybe it is a matter of race, but the bottom line is that it's nothing a throwdown couldn't sort out.

COLIN POWELL
+ Old (born April 1937) and white-haired
+ Endorsed McCain in 2007; i.e., indecisive
+ Middle name is "Luther;" i.e., non-violent like his namesake

JOE LIEBERMAN
+ Younger than Mr. Powell (Feb 1942) but more white-haired
+ Middle name is "Isadore." Which sounds kind of like "Isabel" meets "Dora the Explorer."
+ Once ran for VP on Al Gore's Democratic ticket; lost. Ran for Democratic Party Primary Election; lost. Now skips their meetings (i.e., gets mad then gets even).

Round 1
Powell throws paper half-heartedly while speaking about a number of liberal political issues.
Lieberman smiles, forgets to throw.
- Due to forfeit, Powell named winner.

- Lieberman waves to the press. The press ignores him, running after Obama. Lieberman scowls.

Round 2
Powell throws paper again, forever an advocate of non-violence.
Lieberman throws rock with a vengeance.
- Unfortunately for Lieb, paper covers rock; Powell wins.
- Powell declared overall winner.

That fast? I was expecting a more drawn out match, actually. I guess you can't really help a man sandwiched between two portions of Fred Thompson.

Winner (Colin Powell) receives: bigger glasses; interview on Oprah.
Loser (Joe Lieberman) gets: forgotten, ever so slowly.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: New York Magazine

Don Cheadle vs. Terrence Howard

Does one chiseled, famous black person ruin the chances for all the other brothas in this town? Don't ask Denzel Washington. Ask Cuba Gooding Jr. Once Terrence Howard came along--light-skinned, light-voiced and pretending to be all sorts of tough just like him--suddenly Cuba was relegated to the likes of...SNOW DOGS.

As in the Tyra vs. Namoi battle [vid], there seems to be only room for one black person on this Hollywood runway. Ironically, there's room for multiple Asians, as long as they stick to martial arts (see: Jackie Chan, Lucy Liu, Jet Li, Kung Fu Panda), but Terrence had better stay on his toes and/or hire a CAA agent, or he may soon be ousted, and would you like to know by whom? Of course, you would.

The Hollywood Reporter reports today that Don Cheadle has been tapped--or rather, aggressively poked and subsequently friended on Facebook, Hollywood Edition--to reprise the role of Colonel James Rhoades (Stark's sidekick) in the IRON MAN sequel, set for a 2010 release. Variety claims that poor Howie didn't even see it coming, though THR says the communication breakdown was a financial one. Well, "give me more money" can sometimes sound like "find yourself cheaper talent," especially in an economic wind tunnel. But now's your chance for redemption, T-Dawg. Well-bred gentlemen these days sue each other when there's this type of contract-related tension, but since a lawsuit would be expensive, and the DOW hasn't fully recovered, how about an old-school duel featuring the fist...the splayed hand...and the peace sign.

DON CHEADLE
+ Currently wrapping on HOTEL FOR DOGS, which smells...a wee bit like another animal-related stinker
+ Produced and starred in TRAITOR; i.e., may very well be untrustworthy
+ Fakes a mean British accent, despite being from Missouri

TERRENCE HOWARD
+ Tougher than Cuba (evidenced by singing "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" [vid])
+ Has two first names...as his whole name
+ Expensive and a little high maintenance, apparently

Round 1
Cheadle acts all sorts of tough; throws scissors.
Terrence defends his name, throws his birth certificate (paper).
- Scissors cut paper; Cheadle wins.

Round 2
Cheadle, nervous about failing again, drops his rate, throws a family picture.
Terrence throws a rock. Because he is tough. And it is hard out there for a pimp.
- Robeaucop rules that "family picture" passes for paper, as it is drawn on poster board.
- Paper covers rock; Cheadle wins.
- Cheadle declared overall victor.

Winner (Don Cheadle) receives: IRON MAN 3, duh.
Loser (Terrence Howard) gets: a BOAT TRIP. Now, is that really losing?

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: from Flickr

Corned Beef vs. French Dip

Okay, you got me. I'm vegetarian! I don't and wouldn't eat either of these sandwiches. But a recent discussion with a meat-lovin' friend told me they deserved comparison, and I'd venture she's right. Is the French dip really French? Does the corned beef actually feature corn? Both valid questions that meat-hexing me (or, grammatically, I) am about to answer, and here's why:

About a week ago in the city of Los Angeles, there was an event for a restaurant known as Philippe the Original, which calls itself "the birthplace of the French dip sandwich." Now why a sandwich knows as "French" wasn't born in, say, France (or at least Martinique) escapes me. But they recently celebrated their 100th anniversary with a little promotion known as the day-long, 10-cent French Dip. Unlike the $5 foot-long from Subway, which is thus-priced due to the crappiness of its quality, this promotion was in honor of Philippe's historical prices.

Likewise, an LA deli known as Canter's celebrated its umpteenth with a similarly historically-priced special (60cents for sixty years) featuring their corned beef on rye. To me, all gross. But apparently there were huge lines at both places, and now the sandwiches want to throwdown. We know which was the better deal (Canter's sandwich was hefty, the line for dine-in was no wait--as opposed to Philippe's hour-and-a-half for an "original"-sized Freedom-wich--and the Canter's meal was complete with a side of chocolate rugula and a pickle!). But which is the better SANDWICH?

CORNED BEEF
+ By definition, is a cut of brisket cured or pickled in a seasoned brine
+ Sounds gross
+ Looks a little gross, too

FRENCH DIP
+ Los Angeles birthplace is disputable
+ So is its actual nationality
+ Sounds like a dance move

Round 1
Corned Beef throws paper.
French Dip throws soggy paper.
- Draw

Round 2
Corned Beef dries up, gets tough, throws rock.
French Dip stays moist. Moist. Yum. Throws paper again.
- Paper slops atop the rock; French Dip wins.

Round 3
Corned Beef throws rock again.
French Dip dips, dodges rock while throwing scissors.
- Despite the dip, rock blunts scissors; Corned Beef wins.

Round 4
Corned Beef too dried up to throw; forfeits.
French Dip strokes his moustache; begins eating his own face.
- French Dip declared overall winner by way of forfeit.

Winner (French Dip) receives: dual US-EU citizenship, chocolate rugula, and a pickle!
Loser (Corned Beef) gets: another brine bath.

Who should throwdown next?

Photo: provided by Carly Mizzou

Jergens vs. Vaseline Brand

Who's got dry hands? Put your hand up; you might think you don't, but you actually do. If no one's told you, it's because they do, too. I don't know which is worse--coarse and dry or cold and clammy (roshambo alert!)--but I do know soft and smooth is better than both. When you shake hands for an interview, you want your grip to be direct like a self-starter, firm like a multi-tasker, and juuuuust soft enough that it seems doubtful that you've ever done an ounce of actual work in your entire life. And for that, you need a great hand lotion.

I know, I know. Some boys use lotion for more than just the "interview stroke." Most boys. But smart boys--and girls--will appreciate there are better things to do with that lotion and those hands. Going so far as to confront her all-work-no-play hands with her doctor, my mother has tried both Jergens and Vaseline Brand, and she swears by Jergens. It's actually kind of strange, you know, to hear her do it: "By Jergens, I'm not putting you in my will." That sounds weird. But I trust her choice in this matter just as much as I don't trust this guy. Besides, does anyone actually use Vaseline Brand lotion? I'll answer that question--the answer is no. Lubriderm or Curel or Aveeno, maybe. Vaseline Brand, unless it's a different soft touch you're after, not likely.

JERGENS
+ Soft as a baby's bottom
+ Sounds Swedish
+ Actually, like most things, comes from Japan

VASELINE BRAND
+ Mother of Tyra's favorite product [vid]; i.e., attracts the crazy
+ Usually less expensive
+ Has creepy commercials [vid]

Round 1
VB throws early (natch), throws paper.
Jergen's sees the attack, throws scissors.
- Scissors cut paper; Jergens wins.

Round 2
Jergens confuses Vaseline with its fruity-smelling Original Scent. Excited, Vaseline again squirts early, again throws paper.
Jergens throws scissors.
- Scissors cut paper; Jergens wins.
- Jergens declared overall victor.

Winner (Jergens) receives: a hand to hold.
Loser (Vaseline) gets: stunted growth.

But look, Vaseline. No one's asking you to go away, just to stick to your own turf. You have a petroleum jelly. Kao Corporation is too busy to ever make it over there, so why don't you just lay off? Or jack-off. Consider roshambo your chance to exit this end of the skin care aisle with your dignity in tact. Sort of.

Amy Adams vs. Isla Fisher

Are Amy Adams and Isla Fisher the same person? I only can think of two people who would argue a list of their differences.

One is named Amy.

The other is named Isla's agent.

Amy would argue she's Oscar-nominated; Isla might argue that she's got all of the talent, none of the recognition. I would argue...they both have red hair...both kinda spazzy in their comedic acting...both have or have had religions starting with the letter "M" (Amy = Mormom from birth; Isla = presumably Methodist, pre-Judaism)...both have middle names starting with the letter "L" (Lou and Lang, respectively)...almost the same age at two years apart...really, now, are they not suspiciously like clones, versions one (1974 - Amy) and two (1976 - Isla)? And if that is the case, that the scientific machine of Hollywood has burped out these two doppelgangers who even go so far as to wear the same clothes and expect us not to notice...I've got a message for the machine: I'm onto you.

I've also got a message for Amy and Isla: one of you has got to concede defeat in this actor's lunge for mainstream popularity. The unspoken Rules of Hollywood (tm) state that two extremely similar actors can at no time both be in the mainstream. Look at Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts. Benicio del Toro and Javier Bardem. Halle Berry and...all other black actresses. It would confuse the Academy come awards season. But even outside Hollywood, this rule prevails. It's why the sun outshines the moon most of the day. But here in Roshambow-Land, there are only three rules. And I think we all know what they are.

AMY ADAMS
+ Cute as a button
+ Helped someone live for a day, i.e. a part-time philanthropist
+ McDreamy and Disney both love her

ISLA FISHER
+ Name has a silent "S," reportedly stands for "sneaky"
+ Vince Vaughn and Borat [vid] both love her
+ Wore the green dress FIRST, for the record

Round 1
Amy throws paper with an adorable giggle.
Screeching, Isla throws scissors, cuts off Amy's dress, Disney releases statement that they didn't know Amy was such a Miley; Amy hides from the public in shame.
- Scissors beat paper; Isla wins.

Round 2
After shame has passed (it usually does), Amy throws rock.
Isla unearths the old Miley articles, throws them, shames Amy once more.
- Paper covers rock, Amy's dignity; Isla wins.
- Isla declared overall winner. FINALLY.

Winner (Isla Fisher) receives: salary bump and a gift card to the mall!
Loser (Amy Adams) gets: the art house circuit.

Sparkling water vs. Spa water

One tastes like soda without the syrup. The other sounds like something you'd stick your feet in for twenty minutes until your toes prune and one of your hangnails gets soft and floats off in the fruit- and veggie-scented foam.

If you haven't yet heard of spa water, or "cucumber water," as it is sometimes called (or "weird water," as I call it), you'll now know, it's the new drinking beverage of the calorie-free elite. No one who makes under $30grand or drives a Taurus is drinking spa water. But on the flip side, no one who actually likes water is drinking sparkling water.

The wine-friendly French have shared their Perrier, the champagne of waters (named thus because it's expensive and super-annoyingly bubbly), and foreigners, forever lapping at their fashionable though at-times misguided coattails, have accepted it for a long time now. And yet we've rejected suppositories. Why? One actually--awkwardly--cures most ills, the other just gives you gas. Okay well, they both give you gas...to be fair. At any rate, I want my water to taste like water and to be still and calm as the spring from which it riseth. Ergo in my opinion, between the faux-waters sparkling and spa, one or the other or both must go. No glove-to-face-I-challenge-you-to-a-deul [vid] slapping, though. We'll settle this the roshambo way.

SPARKLING WATER
+ Not really champagne, except for those on a 12-step programme
+ Not really sparkling, unless you confuse gas with glitter (oops, I just glittered all over your face!) [vid]
+ Not really water

SPA WATER
+ Kind of tastes good if you don't really think about what's in it
+ Kind of tastes confusing if you do
+ Inherently jealous of juice

Round 1
Sparkling Water burps, throws rock.
Spa Water holds up paper to shield face from glitter.
- Paper covers rock; Spa Water wins.

Round 2
Sparkling Water distracts Spa Water with a French kiss, throws the Rosetta Stone (French edition).
Spa Water gets weak in the knees, forgets to throw.
- Considered a forfeit; Sparking Water wins.

Round 3
Sparkling Water throws Rosetta Stone, Level Deux.
Spa Water gets hit, forfeits again.
- Sparkling Water wins.

Yeah, weird, the bubbles beat out the over-fortified water. That doesn't even make sense. I guess that means the spa really is just for your feet.

Winner (Sparkling Water) receives: top shelf space at Costco.
Loser (Spa Water) gets: bottled and distributed by Coca-Cola.

Ugly vs. Fugly

Over the age of 35? Don't know what these two words mean? Here's some help:
Lower girl = ugly. Upper girl = fugly.
This dog = ugly. That dog = fugly.

You're welcome.

So which is worse: people saying, "If you just wore your hair right, then maybe..." or people saying, "At least you're smart." I think we can all agree there's nothing worse than being ugly and stupid.* But at least people bump uglies. Nobody talks about bumping fuglies.

UGLY
+ Not that bad-looking
+ Nothing a little loneliness and liquid courage can't fix!
+ But trust him, it's better with the lights off, baby.

FUGLY
+ Still hoping to become a swan, i.e. optimistic in the face of adversity
+ Owns no mirrors, i.e. pessimistic in the face of reality
+ Probably smells, too.

Round 1
Ugly throws scissors, dreams of plastic surgery.
Fugly throws rock, dreams of hitting Ugly.
- Rock blunts scissors; Fugly wins.

Round 2
Fugly throws scissors back at Ugly with a yappy bark.
Ugly cowers in fear, covers head with newspaper.
- Scissors cut paper; Fugly wins.
- Fugly declared overall winner, dreams of becoming a cutthroat corporate lawyer or a small-town police officer.
- Ugly tries to wear hair right, dimly succeeds.

Winner (Fugly) receives: a flashy car, a yacht, lots and lots of money followed by lots and lots of supermodels [vid].
Loser (Ugly) gets: scrunchies.

* = Go read a book.

Breakfast vs. Dinner

Mmm, now really. Is there anything better than a short stack of buttermilk pancakes drizzled with warm, pure Vermont maple syrup, gathered below a healthy pat of butter alongside a thick slice of brioche French toast, grilled to cinnamony-ginger-sweet, eggy perfection, sidled up close to a hot, gooey, cinnamon roll topped with orange glaze frosting washed down with ice cold (soy) milk in a bowl of acai-berry Nature's Own granola and a grapefruit slightly sweetened with Sugar in the Raw, all with a baby-sized cupa strong chai and buttery scrambled eggs on the side? No, there isn't.

Unless you're of the mind that a meal starting with the light tease of spinach and strawberry salad, brushed over with raspberry vinaigrette and mellowed out by a few cool slices of cucumber, quickly followed by wild Alaskan salmon, grilled subtly--supple on the inside, exterior just shy of crispy--under a glaze of honey, a splash of extra virgin, lemon juice, and cracked peppercorns, sharing the plate with a fluffy helping of garlic and mushroom risotto, seasoned ever so delectably with sage and basil and teamed with a crisp, cool glass of demi-sec Vouvray is more your speed. And if it is, I wouldn't blame you.

So which is really the mightier meal? My mouth doesn't care, but they're gonna settle it out.

BREAKFAST
+ Starts your day off right (unless you eat prunes, in which case it starts your day off running)
+ Always smells good
+ Often tastes like dessert

DINNER
+ Friends with your television
+ Regularly over-consumed by inefficient dieters
+ Often comes before dessert (how selfish!)

Round 1
The Most Important Meal of the Day (Breakfast) throws a pancake.
The Main Meal of the day (Dinner) throws a wishbone.
- Robeaucop rules that a pancake resembles paper, wishbone resembles scissors.
- Wishbone cuts pancake; Dinner wins.

Round 2
Breakfast throws a biscuit (rock).
Dinner throws a roll (soft rock).
- Draw
- Breakfast calls a time-out, drinks a mimosa, gets tipsy; Dinner drinks more wine, gets downright drunk, turns up the Lionel Richie.

Round 3
Breakfast burps discreetly, throws another pancake.
Dinner gets violent, throws television, threatens divorce.
- Pancake covers television (figuratively); Breakfast wins.

Breakfast now has the right to call itself not only the Most Important but also the Mightiest Meal of the Day! You go, Breakfast! [vid]

Winner (Breakfast) receives: special booth at IHOP.
Loser (Dinner) gets: wine club membership revoked.

First Aid Kit vs. Swiss Army Knife

Oh, this is a toughy....I know Boy Scouts will vote for the latter, elementary school teachers, the former. In fact, those same teachers most likely would vehemently shun the latter. You need pens. You need paper. You need safety scissors, Cheerios and Dr. Seuss. Only thing you definitely DON'T need in a first-grade classroom is a Swiss Army Knife. Little Susie gets mad at Lewis, shanks him, and then we gotta pull out the first aid kit! Looks like one begs for the presence of the other. And that, my friends, is exactly why parents send their kids to private school: no knives, lots of Adderall. Expensive as crazy, but for the continuation of Lewis's soon-to-be-psychosis-rich life chock full of Absent Daddy issues...worth every pill-poppin' penny.

FIRST AID KIT
+ From tweezers to finger splints to instant cold compresses, the best ones are filled with so many things, it's almost ridiculous (seriously, what's with the whisk?)
+ Cheaper than private school
+ Frequent use turns your kid into a weenie

SWISS ARMY KNIFE
+ Actually still used by the Swiss Army!
+ The commemorative 2006 version, The Giant, has 85 devices and 110 functions!
+ Favored tool of super celebrity secret agent Angus MacGyver [vid]!

Round 1
First Aid Kit throws rolls and rolls of paper bandages.
Swiss Army Knife folds out a minute pair of scissors.
- Scissors cut paper, Swiss Army Knife wins.

Round 2
First Aid Kit throws whisk.
Swiss Army Knife throws Phillips-head screwdriver.
- Robeaucop flags both players for illegal substitution, replay allowed.
First Aid Kit throws trauma shears.
Swiss Army Knife throws corkscrew, nail file, toothpick, pliers, LED light and a laser pointer.
- Robeaucoup flags SAK again. First Aid Kit declared winner.

Round 3
Wising up, Swiss Army Knife once again throws its very small scissors.
First Aid Kit gets hit, bursts into tears, whines for a band-aid like an idiot.
- First Aid Kit forfeits, Swiss Army Knife declared winner.
- After a shaky second round, SAK has come out on top and is declared overall winner.

Winner (Swiss Army Knife) receives: complete box set of MacGyver.
Loser (First Aid Kit) gets: a slew of prescription pills to numb the pain.

Paper vs. Plastic

Paper or plastic? A quintessential question that always, without fail, always makes me feel guilty for forgetting to bring my own shopping bag to Trader Joe's, the popular West Coast grocer that sells mostly organic and frowns at superfluous packaging. Forget your bag at Ralph's or Albertson's, who gives a damn, but TJ's inadvertently makes me feel like I hate the environment every time they give the customers right before me 10cents off, or a photo spread in the TJ Times, or a sticker/key to the city/free sex pass, all for bringing their own grocery bags.

Once it gets to my turn in the queue, I ramble about how I usually bring my own bag, and the store clerk smiles thinly as his register belt cohort wastefully begins double-sacking all my groceries in both paper and plastic. I look on, appalled, but don't even stop him. For shame.

Why don't I just leave that thing in my trunk? It's huge and mesh and white. That's right, mesh. So obviously, I don't use that bag for anything else--and since I always forget it, I actually don't use that bag for anything at all. So I guess next time when asked, I will have to choose. No more double-bagging!*

PAPER
+ Sturdy under pressure
+ Brown
+ Loves your mom even if you don't

PLASTIC
+ Can dopplegang as helmet/bike seat cover/sleeves/pants/strangulation device when it rains or when you hate someone
+ Enjoys long walks on the beach, dancing in the wind
+ Easier to stuff under the sink, swear you'll use for trash, soon forget about, and eventually throw away, all in order to make room for another behemoth soon-to-be forgotten pile

Round 1
Paper throws paper (natch).
Suffering from fear of abandonment and self-esteem issues, Plastic throws scissors, cuts itself, cries for attention.
- Scissors cut paper, Plastic wins.
- Both Paper and Plastic too injured to continue the throwdown.
- Plastic declared overall victor.

Winner (Plastic) receives: invitation to singles mixer, group therapy.
Loser (Paper) gets: tossed.

* = Unless I ever win that free sex pass.

Playboy vs. Hustler

There are tons and tons of dirty magazines out there. Like loads of them. Perfect 10, Tail Ends, Naughty Neighbors, High Society, Hometown Girls, D-Cup, Nugget, Chic, Game, Barely Legal, Celebrity Skin, Buttman, Manga Burikko, Just Us Boys, Male Insider, Gasm, Swank, Juggs, Thrust, Vulcan, Penthouse, Plumper...the list goes on. I almost want to be disturbed, but I actually just find it all kind of funny--that's what your boyfriend says about porn, too, isn't it?*

Well, some of these magazines enter and exit the scene so fast (zing!), your baser fetishes are left feeling as cheated and used as a dirty condom found in a neighborhood playground. But others stand the test of time, resilient, like that infamous stain on Lewinsky's LBD. What is their secret? The caliber of writing? The humorous letters to the editor? Perhaps both? To really find out, I think we've just got to ask two of the longer-performing (that's right!) publications to enter the ring.

PLAYBOY
+ Large house with grotto, old man with TV-show
+ Like a true gentleman, prefers blondes (but probably wouldn't kick a redhead out of bed for eating crackers)
+ Rumored to have once chosen Stanford University's Exotic Erotic as one of the hottest college parties of the year. Students found out, stripped & celebrated.

HUSTLER
+ Dirty like a tickity-tack tranny [vid] and is not even apologising for it
+ Actually has some fascinating articles, and you know, to be honest, the photo spreads really are just an unwelcome distraction**
+ In 2004 profiled the Mills College (who?) Fetish Ball as a rollicking good time. Students found out, got angry.

Round 1
Playboy drops paper on floor, bends to retrieve it, blatantly reveals lack of underwear. [vid]
Hustler gets distracted, throws rock.
- Paper covers rock, Playboy wins, jumps on a trampoline to celebrate.

Round 2
Playboy throws paper again, winks.
Hustler spreads legs like scissors.
- Scissors cut paper, Hustler wins.
- Hustler steals Playboy's hair dye. Playboy ages rapidly as roots grow in.

Round 3
Hustler spreads scissors wider.
Wiser with age, Playboy throws rock.
- Rock bruises scissors/legs, Playboy wins.
- Playboy declared overall victor; Hustler loses ability to walk or run.

Winner (Playboy) receives: home waxing kit, auburn wig.
Loser (Hustler) gets: plumper.

* = He's lying.
** = He's still lying.

Laffy Taffy vs. Werther's Originals

Ah, the candy of our youth. Sometimes adult life can be a tired mess of social, fiscal and hormonal responsibility, but at least we're wise enough to know that sweet nostalgia often quells the tide of present despair.* And oh, is it sweet. As sweet, squishy and suspiciously bright as Wonka's Laffy Taffy, and as creamy smooth as that golden, buttery orb known as the Original. The Werther's Original.

But were the memories all so grand? One treat reminds you of afternoons spent at the State Fair, riding El Conquistador [vid] just one more time before puking up your lunch (great memory); the other, of Grandpa's clammy hand patting your head just a little too hard right before his teeth fall out and Mom ushers him back to that place she has erroneously nicknamed "the home" (not so great--it's obviously not THE home, as it's nowhere near any house). Bottom line: both candies are sweet, they're both relatively un-imitated in the candy world, and they both don't really have a place in your current life. You chew Nicorette and suck on other things now. But which one deserves more of your daytime dreamtime?

LAFFY TAFFY
+ Five original flavors (sour apple, grape, strawberry, cherry and--mmmm--banana), denotes versatility
+ Odd sense of humor (What's an owl's favorite subject? Owlgebra!)
+ Chewy enough to unhinge your braces from your molars

WERTHER'S ORIGINALS
+ Many alternate uses (fishing bait, earrings, toy car wheels or--consider it--small frisbee), denotes versatility
+ Sweetness enclosed in a hard exterior
+ Smells like Robert Rockwell

Round 1
Taffy throws its wrapper (i.e., paper).
Werther climbs uphill, both ways, barefoot, in the SNOW for Pete's sake. Finds rusty old scissors, throws scissors.
- Scissors cut paper, Werther wins.

Round 2
Thinking to crack Old Werther, Taffy throws rock.
Werther throws a set of dentures (i.e., rock).
- Draw
- Taffy tells a joke to break the tension (What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? A chipmonk!)
- Werther chuckles, pats Taffy on the head. Thump, thump, thump.

Round 3
Taffy goes wild, throws scissors.
Werther throws the same rusty scissors from Round 1.
- Draw
- Werther's Originals declared as victor.

Winner (Werther's Originals) receives: shoes, snowmobile, set of new teeth.
Loser (Laffy Taffy) gets: braces.

* = Disclaimer: If you were Jamie Lee Curtis or in a foster home as a child, it's probably better to just keep looking ahead.

Next throwdown might be scandalous.

Texas vs. California

It's been dying to happen. Both brag at being the bigger state, and both claim to swing the bigger election-year stick. But everyone knows California avocados are used in Texas guacamole, and everyone suspects California's workforce would be small and dwindling had Texas not increased its border patrol.

They compliment one another and yet they are rivals. What Texas started with "Dallas," California finished with "The O.C." What California cleverly concocted (yet ultimately dismembered) with BRING IT ON, versions one to infinitum, Texas repackaged and slyly syndicated in a taut, little reality show called, "Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders." Don't pretend you've never watched it. It's in your Tivo, I've seen it there.

TEXAS
+ Short, stout and very greasy (i.e., not afraid to play dirty, has a low center of gravity)
+ Wields a concealed weapon
+ Remembers the Alamo

CALIFORNIA
+ Tall, lean, muscular, flexible, tanned and powered by hemp root and flaxseed oil
+ Has trained at Equinox with Gunnar Peterson, Fabio, Lance Armstrong, Billy Blanks
+ Constantly high on medical marijuana

Round 1
California throws recycled paper.
Texas throws rock.
- Paper covers rock, California wins.

Round 2
Texas throws rock.
California uses paper from round one, rolls a blunt, gets hungry, forgets to throw.
- California forfeits, Texas wins.

Round 3
California throws scissors.
Texas (concealed weapon alert!) throws the Alamo.
- Robeaucop rules that the Alamo, which is made of stone, qualifies as a rock. Rock smashes scissors, then California; causes an earthquake. Texas wins.

Winner (Texas) receives: lifetime supply of California avocados.
Loser (California) gets: stoned.

Next throwdown will be sticky/sweet.

Leonardo vs. Donatello (of TMNT)

You know when you were a kid and you used to pick superhero identities? These days, you've gotten old and boring, so maybe you might pick investor identities instead (risky or not?! risky or not?!), but times were simpler then. You closed your eyes, and you could fly!

My siblings and I used to be the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, every Halloween, Thanksgiving and random Saturday for like four years. Older Bro would be Michelangelo (very cool), I would be Raphael (broody and melodramatic), and Younger Bro--talented gent--would double as Leonardo and Donatello (smart and smarter, respectively).

The thing with the TMNTs is that they usually fought together against a common foe. But do you really expect me to believe there was never any infighting? Certainly, there must have been more than what got shown during Saturday morning cartoons. Whether yea or nay, I'm thinking Younger Bro's personality disorder easily could have been settled this way.

LEONARDO
+ Equipped with a ninja sword
+ Strong follower of the Bushido code
+ Blue bandanna = calm under pressure

DONATELLO
+ Equipped with a big, long stick
+ In later comics, became part cyborg
+ Purple bandanna = probably gay

Round 1
Leonardo, solid in spirit, throws rock.
Donatello, certain of Leo's solidity, throws rock.
- Draw

Round 2
Unwavering in his resolution, Leonardo throws rock again.
Donatello, naturally, throws rock.
- Draw
- Donatello insults Leo's father, but remembering they're both orphans, feels bad afterward. Leo refrains from speaking.

Round 3
Staying the course, Leonardo throws rock once more.
Donatello cleverly predicts his move and throws paper.
- Paper covers rock, Donatello wins.

Winner (Donatello) receives: bigger, longer stick
Loser (Leonardo) gets: stuck

Next Throwdown: might be stately.

About Roshambowned

What's to say? It's an imaginary duel between things you love and/or people you hate. It's the battle that has stood the test of time to settle any feud, from who's doing the dishes to who's telling the execs that Wal-Mart just chose Blu-ray.

It's Paper, Scissors, Rock. Paper covers rock, rock blunts scissors, scissors cut paper, loser gets owned. You cannot argue this absolute truth. If all things in life were settled by ro-sham-bo (c'est-a-dire Rochambeau, monsieur!), we'd definitely all get on much better.

The strategies may seem limited, but the angry and competitive are many, so let the throwdowns begin.