Halloween vs. Thanksgiving

They both love autumn, the color orange and cold mornings. And each one celebrates a basic human emotion (fear and colonialism, respectively). But it ain't about the ghouls and the goblins or the Pilgrims and the Natives-Who-Got-Treated-Worse-Than-Immigrants. This throwdown's really about one thing: edible delight. It's tootsie rolls versus turkey legs. Willy Wonka versus the lucky wishbone. Those candy corn pumpkins versus pumpkin pie filling straight from a can.

They both taste so good at the start--where Thanksgiving is savory, Halloween smacks of sweet--but they also both seem to promote a formidable amount of overeating. One leaves you with an uncomfortable trip to the dentist (Halloween), the other with an uncomfortable trip to your fat jeans (Thanksgiving). We already know which one gets dibs on an aisle at the neighborhood Wal-Mart, K-Mart or even Piggly Wiggly, but if you could only celebrate one or the other next year and every year thereafter...which would you rather eat?

A look at their fortes and faults.
HALLOWEEN
+ Only time of year you can get flavored tootsie rolls in bulk
+ Most would argue, signals the start of the holiday season
- Doesn't signal a day off work to the HR department

THANKSGIVING
- Constantly overlooked on the road from Halloween to Hanukkah/Christmastime
+ Has its own parade, sponsored by corporate America (Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade)
- There's a dog show during halftime?!

Round 1
Halloween throws candy wrappers.
Thanksgiving throws kitchen scissors.
= Scissors cut wrappers (paper); Thanksgiving wins.

Round 2
Halloween throws a knife covered in fake blood.
Thanksgiving throws a steak knife covered in Worcestershire sauce.
= This round is moot.
= Halloween puts on a Scream mask. Thanksgiving cowers in fear.

Round 3
Halloween throws vintage rock candy.
Thanksgiving throws cranberry sauce in a can, shaped like a can, hard as a rock.
= Draw

Round 4
Halloween throws scissors, cuts through some candy packaging.
Thanksgiving throws rock, kills a turkey. Vegans mourn.
= Rock blunts scissors; Thanksgiving wins.
= Thanksgiving declared overall victor.

Winner (Thanksgiving) receives: bragging rights, another personnalised song by Adam Sandler, candy.
Loser (Halloween) gets: tickets to the dog show; bills from the dentist.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: Slap Upside the Head

TRL vs. MadTV

Oh, the sadness. We've entered the age when the cable channel known as Music Television plays no music. We've entered the age when Ryan Seacrest decides what we like to hear, every Sunday morning at 9am on the neighborhood KIIS FM. We've entered the age when Carson Daly actually thinks he deserves a late night show.

And what makes it worse? On the other end of the channel spectrum, we're losing another dear friend. Fox has said bye-bye to MADtv, a show that no one has watched since SNL went from really bad to good again...to super political to about to be kinda whatever. No more rip-roaring, stark-raving MADtv? That means no more...no more...whatever was always on MADtv. Margaret Cho? Who was on that show?

Point is: the last, long-standing bastions of musical and comedic culture (apart from morning videos on VH1 and the meager warmth from SNL, respectively) are gone. But if one were to come back...which do you think it would be? Sorta funny or sorta song-y?

First, a look at our opponents.
TOTAL REQUEST LIVE
- Hardly ever plays a whole video, i.e. should actually be named Partial Request Live
+/- Introduced the Boy Band phenomenon
- Final episode of the show featured Seth Green

MADTV
+ Spy vs. Spy, Ambiguously Gay Duo...come on. That's good stuff.
+ Less stunt casting, no Miley Cyrus
- Less stunt casting, no Miley Cyrus

Round 1
TRL throws rock. And roll.
MADtv throws paper.
= Paper covers rock; TRL wins.

Round 2
TRL throws the Scissor Sisters.
MADtv throws Pauly Shore, who throws Encino Man, who throws rock.
= Rock blunts scissors; MADtv wins.
= Carson Daly tries to dance. It doesn't work out.

Round 3
TRL throws a little more rock, a little less pop. Alienates the older kids. Gets cancelled.
MADtv throws SNL. Whoops. Gets cancelled.
= That would be a tie.

No victor is declared! They both get cancelled! Who saw it coming?!

(A few moments of silence for the fallen elite....)

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: iStock photos

Hawaii vs. Costa Rica

Barack Obama has only just won his presidential throwdown, and though he has master plans and high ideals, the fact still remains: we're in a cesspool of economic mediocrity right now. Stock market is crashing. Friends are losing jobs. Cats are losing hair. Immigrants are mobilizing and high-tailing to Canada. It is not pretty. And you and I both know that Americans are not good at dealing with "not pretty." It's just easier for us to escape instead. That's why we watch so many movies; it's why we take so many "sick" days; it's why we go on so many weekend binge fests and wind up with puke in our hair halfway through Saturday with fourteen missed calls and a text from our ex asking "RU stil comin ovr?" Oh god. No, we are not. And that is when we know that Life, officially, has gotten us down. It's time for a vacation.

In terms of quick and easy, non-continental North American vacation, Hawaii used to be the It-spot. No passport needed, no stink eye from border patrol--and despite the rumors that it's part of the US, like San Francisco, Beverly Hills or Cost Plus World Market, it's still just foreign enough to feel exotic. Problem is...remember the cesspool? Hawaii ain't cheap. It's cheaper than, say, a call girl in Upper Manhattan, but it ain't free, durh.

Luckily every economic crisis has a silver lining. The '80s crash introduced Microsoft and crimped hair; this downward plunge is introducing...Costa Rica. Sunny and warm Costa Rica. Grab your zinc and parasols, ladies, Hawaii's about to get jealous.

But first, a look at their strengths and weaknesses.
HAWAII
- $604 on US Airways (budget airline!) from LAX
+ Mother of Mauna Loa macadamia nuts
+ Mother of Jack Johnson

COSTA RICA
+ $280 on American Airlines (patriotic!) from LAX
+ Most visited nation in the Central American region
- Has the world ranking of "5" in human poverty...i.e., not a fool-proof escape from the downturn.

Round 1
Hawaii throws a lei.
Costa Rica throws its state bird, the clay-colored robin.
= They both laugh, agree to forget this round, watch the sun set instead.

Round 2
Hawaii throws a hunk of lava rock.
Costa Rica throws one US dollar's worth of its inflated currency (that's 548 colon, ladies).
= Paper covers rock; Costa Rica wins.
= Costa Rica steals some chocolate-covered macadamia nuts from Hawaii's pocket! Hawaii plays the ukulele, finds more nuts--this time dry-roasted!

Round 3
Hawaii throws a bigger rock, the leftover nuts, a Hawaiian newspaper and EP's of Jack Johnson's "Brushfire Fairytales"
Costa Rica catches them all, throws the newspaper back, sells the rest on E-Bay.
= Despite Hawaii's tenacity, only the first throw counts.
= Paper covers rock; Costa Rica wins.
= Costa Rica declared overall victor and "best non-Sandals vacation spot of 2008."

Winner (Costa Rica) receives: more tourists, less poverty.
Loser (Hawaii) gets: more tourists.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: AllPosters.com

Guy Ritchie vs. A-Rod

Madonna is one of the most powerful women in the world. Melinda Gates probably trumps her, and yeah, sure, Oprah obviously, what with her Angel Network and her huge hair...but in terms of being a style chameleon and a pop culture icon, Madonna takes the cake.

Therefore, the artistically-respected, British cult director Guy Ritchie must have felt like a kid in a cake store when he had the idea, but eight years ago, to get this Biblically famous woman on his arm. A bit like David Beckham marrying Posh, they must have regarded each other on the wedding night and thought, "Well done, you. Good call."

The difference in their nuptials, however, ends there. Becks knew he was bringing home a cyborg on day one. Poor Guy had no idea. The chameleon began to...chamele, and before long the woman he had married--curly-haired, rough around the edges, bendy, fiercely sexual and full of brash, American willfulness--that woman became someone else entirely. Bony, Botoxed, stiff, chilly and...British.

The rumors detailing their break-up are a little crazy. Along with many yoga- and Kabbalah-related responsibilities, apparently Lady M kept Guy on a tight, sex-free leash. And though Madonna has creativity for spades where her career is concerned, she was kind of like kryptonite to his. Squinting into the "ray of light" rendered Guy more-or-less creatively blind for eight years straight, and there was no lasic surgery strong enough to save him. Is it any wonder that now, on the eve of their break-up, he's releasing the first good movie he's made since meeting her? If the early critics are to be believed, ROCKNROLLA is a return to form for Mr. Ritchie. So should Guy really be sad to see her go? Or just be happy there seems to be someone slightly insane enough to take her away?

If rumors are to be believed, Madonna has already traded up (down? sideways?) for a man named A-Rod. It's true, Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees is ridiculous when it comes to baseball. But if A-Rod now is going for Madonna...and all the yoga that entails...he might just be ridiculous. Was Madonna wrong to leave Guy? Will A-Rod fill the British, man-hungry void?

Let's take a look at their strengths and weaknesses.
GUY RITCHIE
+ Doesn't fake being British.
+ Soon to write and direct SHERLOCK HOLMES remake with Robert Downey Jr. and Rachel McAdams (i.e. back on the creative rise)
- Married "Evita," woke up with a "Beautiful Stranger"

A-ROD
+ Didn't make SWEPT AWAY
- If the tabloid tales are true, is a bit of a home wrecker (i.e., plays dirty)
+ Doesn't really need Madonna's money or fame to feel fabulous

Round 1
Guy throws eight years worth of bad script ideas.
A-Rod swings, hits 'em outta the park. The peanut gallery goes wild. Shutters flash; John Sterling gets the first interview.
= Technically, A-Rod's showiness does not count as a play. Robeaucop declares that delayed throw counts as a forfeit; Guy wins with paper. Lots and lots of useless paper.
= Madonna enters the stadium with Britney Spears. They make out; Guy gets swept away.

Round 2
A-Rod throws scissors, then his bat.
Guy forgets to throw.
= A-Rod wins by forfeit.

= Guy pulls A-Rod aside and asks him about any acting ambitions. A-Rod admits he wanted the lead in THE GAME PLAN (starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson). Guy gets to thinking, begins penning a screenplay.
Round 3
Guy throws (out) the first few pages of his screenplay.
Anticipating his opponent's Madonna-induced creative constipation, A-Rod throws scissors!
= Scissors cut paper; A-Rod wins.
= A-Rod declared overall winner. Guy sighs in relief.

Winner (Alex Rodriguez) receives: kabbalah beads, two orphan babies, a bump in salary.
Loser (Guy Ritchie) gets: his career back!

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: The London Telegraph

Election Special: Barack Obama vs. John McCain

If you have a TV, radio, computer, iPhone, crackberry or an okay friend who might be kind of annoying but who let's you borrow their gear, you'll have already heard that the 44th President of the United States has been named. His name is Barack Obama (add or drop a "Hussein," depending on your political leaning). At 11pm EST right as the West Coast polls closed, CNN delcared him the victor of one of the most controversial political races in American history with a huge "Breaking News" banner that interrupted the dramatic countdown everyone in my living room was enjoying. And that was it. Barack won.

But with 349 electoral votes, Barack Obama didn't just "win" this election. He kinda crushed it. Some news stations are calling it "close," but keep in mind it takes 270 electoral votes to win. At 48 states reporting, McCain had 147. And to remind you...Barack's at 349. Is that "close?" Or "lucky?" Or is it America finally waking up and smelling the eight-year old, over-roasted, teeth-staining, chagrin-inducing coffee?

Like "Danny Boy" in the British ditty, the pipes, the pipes, are calling old Johnny boy--and telling him to pack up his things, go back to his eight houses and weep behind clothes doors like a man of the people. Because clearly, in the game of politics, Barack has whooped McCain, and as we were amused to find in the battle of Texas vs. California, the pipes--or was it the joints?--usually signal a quick finish. If it were all decided by roshambo, however...who really would be our president?

BARACK OBAMA
+ So intelligent, he might be a computer
+ Supports budget cuts, universal health care and change
+ Flanked by two beautiful children...and an embarrassingly talkative vice president

JOHN MCCAIN
+ So old, he might be a dinosaur
+ Flanked by a wife he calls a trollop and...an embarrassingly talkative vice president (you betcha!)
+ Loves Joe Six-Pack, Joe the Plumber, Joe Blow Bubble-Gum, Bazooka Joe, The Joe-nas Brothers...and anything else that involves the name "Joe"

Round 1
Obama throws rock, encourages us to Ba-ROCK the vote.
McCain throws paper, realises he's out of money, takes the paper back, and hence forfeits his throw.
- Due to forfeit, Barack Obama wins.

Round 2
Obama throws change.
McCain scoops up the change, uses it for one last round of attack ads.
- Robeaucop flags Obama for illegal substitution, flags McCain for dirty campaigning. Rematch allowed.

Round 3
Obama throws a stack of ballots to all the swing states.
McCain throws a stack of ballots, but only at his constituency in Arizona.
- Draw.
- McCain, out of breath, asks for a sub. In an unprecedented move, Robeaucop allows McCain to sub in his running mate, Sarah Palin, who winks at the camera.

Round 4
Obama throws rock.
Palin throws a polar bear, shoots it in the face.
- Robeaucop flags Palin for unsportsmanlike conduct. One more flag and this match is over.
- Obama smiles confidently, but not too confidently, encouraging MoveOn.org to keep rolling calls.
- Palin asks for clarification on the rules of the game, gets "coached" by her party for a few days in the woods; returns without her rifle, ready for Round 5.

Round 5
Obama throws Pennsylvania.
Palin throws Alaska.
- Again, Robeaucop called in on the play. Declares both states, as masses of land, can count for rock. Win decided by electoral vote count.
- Pennsylvania = 21; Alaska = 3.
- Well, tell ya what, Sarah, looks like you plum lost right there.
- Barack Obama declared overall victor. John blames himself. Sarah blames Sarah.

Winner (Barack Obama) receives: the presidency. A very strong secret service unit. Lots of loose change.
Loser (John McCain/Sarah Palin) gets: Alaska.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: BarackObama.com