IHOP vs. Denny's

I forgot to fast-forward through a commercial break while watching some mundane weeknight television show one mundane weeknight, and I noticed that IHOP--that's THE International House of Pancakes, people--is having a bit of a holiday special. For the end of the scariest month of the year, IHOP is helping hungover Halloween revelers around the country celebrate with endless pancakes! That's right! All! You! Can! Eat! The commercial somehow tried to weave a theme of "trick or treat" into their eerily-lit, orange-colored pancake schematic, but it is quite obvious, from front to back and in both certain and uncertain terms: this is clearly, clearly a treat. What in life could be better than a fluffy, hot buttermilk short stack?

Denny's, IHOP's ugly cousin, asked themselves the same question and came up with the $4 Weekday Express Slam. In appreciation of American brokeness, the already alarmingly cheap 24/7 eatery is lowering its prices even more to offer two pancakes, 2 eggs and 2 meat-du-choix from 5am to 4pm every mundane day of the week--for a limited time only.

In reality, both chains are promoting their respective specials to appeal to the current communal desire to (a)spend less money while eating out, and (b)eat large amounts of breakfast at 3am. But only one of these chains actually has good food. And it ain't Denny's. I know, I know, some might say--what's the difference? Aren't they both 24hr diners with weak drip coffee, dirty bathrooms, and too many police in the entryway? And to those people I say, close your mouths. Don't desecrate The Hop by comparing her to the likes of Denny's--or even Grandy's, Mel's or Ruby's. Mel's is over-priced, Ruby's has only been around 25 years to IHOP's fifty, and Grandy's slogan is "a mouthful of memories." That is never what I want to think after eating out. As for Denny's, which is older than IHOP and disgustingly still alive, there's no excuse for the comparison. You will see in a matter of rounds how different the two pancake purveyors really are.

IHOP
+ Serves Russian blintzes, French toast and Belgian waffles, i.e., not xenophobic
+ Owns Applebees. Which is where you belong. (think about it)
+ Actually has amazing pancakes. They are really good. Don't get the steak, though. The place isn't called IHOS for a reason.

DENNY'S
+ Considered being a tickity-tack tranny before entering the restaurant business (true story)*
+ Helps starving musicians gain weight, get fat, get heart problems**
+ Briefly held a recurring guest spot on Grey's Anatomy

Round 1
IHOP throws a pancake (natch).
Denny's throws a Lumberjack Slam.
- Robeaucop rules pancake serves as paper; flags Denny's for throwing a person. However, Denny's lumberjack pulls out a pair of shears, surprising the onlookers.
- Scissors cut pancake; Denny's wins.

Round 2
Pissed at the secret attack from Round 1, IHOP throws Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n' Fruity.
Denny's throws Moons Over My Hammy.
- Robeaucop flags them both for Illegal Substitution. Playing dirty like a TTT, Denny's moons IHOP. IHOP gets rooty tooty and farts on Denny's; fight breaks out. Both subside shortly, however, out of breath and fearing complications from high cholesterol.

Round 3
Denny's throws a biscuit (hard as a rock).
IHOP throws a steak (is a rock).
- Draw.
- Denny's declared the winner. IHOP sulks, tries not to cry, demands a rematch. Denny's has already left the ring to celebrate with a victory 400-calorie milkshake.

Winner (Denny's) receives: all-he-can-eat IHOP pancakes, quickly followed by a heart transplant.
Loser (alas, poor IHOP) gets: everything on the Denny's dinner menu.

What should throwdown next?

* = May or may not be a true story.
** = Actually is a true story (which I must grudgingly admit I admire).

Photos: LA Times

Colin Powell vs. Joe Lieberman

Colin Powell recently announced his full-hearted support of Democratic candidate Barack Obama. That's right: Colin Powell, who was once a contestant in the 1996 fully syndicated game show "Let's Run for President!" playing on the Republican team (Go Elephants!). Some people--and by "some people," I mean "some Rush Limbaughs"--are calling it a matter of race instead of a matter of issues. Roshambowned thinks it's more a matter of Joe Lieberman.

Joe Lieberman (or as New York Magazine calls him, "Joe Vengence") suspiciously leaned to the right of Independent a few months back to bang McCain's drum in New Hampshire, and he's still banging. Well, as they say on codeweavers.com, one cross-over begets another. Barack must have secretly been fishing for someone who could best Liberman's self-righteous, starry-eyed, old man smirk with some sure-fired indignation. Well, he got his man. Older, fatter, a little lighter in complexion, and Barack got 'im. And maybe it's a matter of The Issues, or maybe it is a matter of race, but the bottom line is that it's nothing a throwdown couldn't sort out.

COLIN POWELL
+ Old (born April 1937) and white-haired
+ Endorsed McCain in 2007; i.e., indecisive
+ Middle name is "Luther;" i.e., non-violent like his namesake

JOE LIEBERMAN
+ Younger than Mr. Powell (Feb 1942) but more white-haired
+ Middle name is "Isadore." Which sounds kind of like "Isabel" meets "Dora the Explorer."
+ Once ran for VP on Al Gore's Democratic ticket; lost. Ran for Democratic Party Primary Election; lost. Now skips their meetings (i.e., gets mad then gets even).

Round 1
Powell throws paper half-heartedly while speaking about a number of liberal political issues.
Lieberman smiles, forgets to throw.
- Due to forfeit, Powell named winner.

- Lieberman waves to the press. The press ignores him, running after Obama. Lieberman scowls.

Round 2
Powell throws paper again, forever an advocate of non-violence.
Lieberman throws rock with a vengeance.
- Unfortunately for Lieb, paper covers rock; Powell wins.
- Powell declared overall winner.

That fast? I was expecting a more drawn out match, actually. I guess you can't really help a man sandwiched between two portions of Fred Thompson.

Winner (Colin Powell) receives: bigger glasses; interview on Oprah.
Loser (Joe Lieberman) gets: forgotten, ever so slowly.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: New York Magazine

Don Cheadle vs. Terrence Howard

Does one chiseled, famous black person ruin the chances for all the other brothas in this town? Don't ask Denzel Washington. Ask Cuba Gooding Jr. Once Terrence Howard came along--light-skinned, light-voiced and pretending to be all sorts of tough just like him--suddenly Cuba was relegated to the likes of...SNOW DOGS.

As in the Tyra vs. Namoi battle [vid], there seems to be only room for one black person on this Hollywood runway. Ironically, there's room for multiple Asians, as long as they stick to martial arts (see: Jackie Chan, Lucy Liu, Jet Li, Kung Fu Panda), but Terrence had better stay on his toes and/or hire a CAA agent, or he may soon be ousted, and would you like to know by whom? Of course, you would.

The Hollywood Reporter reports today that Don Cheadle has been tapped--or rather, aggressively poked and subsequently friended on Facebook, Hollywood Edition--to reprise the role of Colonel James Rhoades (Stark's sidekick) in the IRON MAN sequel, set for a 2010 release. Variety claims that poor Howie didn't even see it coming, though THR says the communication breakdown was a financial one. Well, "give me more money" can sometimes sound like "find yourself cheaper talent," especially in an economic wind tunnel. But now's your chance for redemption, T-Dawg. Well-bred gentlemen these days sue each other when there's this type of contract-related tension, but since a lawsuit would be expensive, and the DOW hasn't fully recovered, how about an old-school duel featuring the fist...the splayed hand...and the peace sign.

DON CHEADLE
+ Currently wrapping on HOTEL FOR DOGS, which smells...a wee bit like another animal-related stinker
+ Produced and starred in TRAITOR; i.e., may very well be untrustworthy
+ Fakes a mean British accent, despite being from Missouri

TERRENCE HOWARD
+ Tougher than Cuba (evidenced by singing "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" [vid])
+ Has two first names...as his whole name
+ Expensive and a little high maintenance, apparently

Round 1
Cheadle acts all sorts of tough; throws scissors.
Terrence defends his name, throws his birth certificate (paper).
- Scissors cut paper; Cheadle wins.

Round 2
Cheadle, nervous about failing again, drops his rate, throws a family picture.
Terrence throws a rock. Because he is tough. And it is hard out there for a pimp.
- Robeaucop rules that "family picture" passes for paper, as it is drawn on poster board.
- Paper covers rock; Cheadle wins.
- Cheadle declared overall victor.

Winner (Don Cheadle) receives: IRON MAN 3, duh.
Loser (Terrence Howard) gets: a BOAT TRIP. Now, is that really losing?

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: from Flickr

Corned Beef vs. French Dip

Okay, you got me. I'm vegetarian! I don't and wouldn't eat either of these sandwiches. But a recent discussion with a meat-lovin' friend told me they deserved comparison, and I'd venture she's right. Is the French dip really French? Does the corned beef actually feature corn? Both valid questions that meat-hexing me (or, grammatically, I) am about to answer, and here's why:

About a week ago in the city of Los Angeles, there was an event for a restaurant known as Philippe the Original, which calls itself "the birthplace of the French dip sandwich." Now why a sandwich knows as "French" wasn't born in, say, France (or at least Martinique) escapes me. But they recently celebrated their 100th anniversary with a little promotion known as the day-long, 10-cent French Dip. Unlike the $5 foot-long from Subway, which is thus-priced due to the crappiness of its quality, this promotion was in honor of Philippe's historical prices.

Likewise, an LA deli known as Canter's celebrated its umpteenth with a similarly historically-priced special (60cents for sixty years) featuring their corned beef on rye. To me, all gross. But apparently there were huge lines at both places, and now the sandwiches want to throwdown. We know which was the better deal (Canter's sandwich was hefty, the line for dine-in was no wait--as opposed to Philippe's hour-and-a-half for an "original"-sized Freedom-wich--and the Canter's meal was complete with a side of chocolate rugula and a pickle!). But which is the better SANDWICH?

CORNED BEEF
+ By definition, is a cut of brisket cured or pickled in a seasoned brine
+ Sounds gross
+ Looks a little gross, too

FRENCH DIP
+ Los Angeles birthplace is disputable
+ So is its actual nationality
+ Sounds like a dance move

Round 1
Corned Beef throws paper.
French Dip throws soggy paper.
- Draw

Round 2
Corned Beef dries up, gets tough, throws rock.
French Dip stays moist. Moist. Yum. Throws paper again.
- Paper slops atop the rock; French Dip wins.

Round 3
Corned Beef throws rock again.
French Dip dips, dodges rock while throwing scissors.
- Despite the dip, rock blunts scissors; Corned Beef wins.

Round 4
Corned Beef too dried up to throw; forfeits.
French Dip strokes his moustache; begins eating his own face.
- French Dip declared overall winner by way of forfeit.

Winner (French Dip) receives: dual US-EU citizenship, chocolate rugula, and a pickle!
Loser (Corned Beef) gets: another brine bath.

Who should throwdown next?

Photo: provided by Carly Mizzou

Jergens vs. Vaseline Brand

Who's got dry hands? Put your hand up; you might think you don't, but you actually do. If no one's told you, it's because they do, too. I don't know which is worse--coarse and dry or cold and clammy (roshambo alert!)--but I do know soft and smooth is better than both. When you shake hands for an interview, you want your grip to be direct like a self-starter, firm like a multi-tasker, and juuuuust soft enough that it seems doubtful that you've ever done an ounce of actual work in your entire life. And for that, you need a great hand lotion.

I know, I know. Some boys use lotion for more than just the "interview stroke." Most boys. But smart boys--and girls--will appreciate there are better things to do with that lotion and those hands. Going so far as to confront her all-work-no-play hands with her doctor, my mother has tried both Jergens and Vaseline Brand, and she swears by Jergens. It's actually kind of strange, you know, to hear her do it: "By Jergens, I'm not putting you in my will." That sounds weird. But I trust her choice in this matter just as much as I don't trust this guy. Besides, does anyone actually use Vaseline Brand lotion? I'll answer that question--the answer is no. Lubriderm or Curel or Aveeno, maybe. Vaseline Brand, unless it's a different soft touch you're after, not likely.

JERGENS
+ Soft as a baby's bottom
+ Sounds Swedish
+ Actually, like most things, comes from Japan

VASELINE BRAND
+ Mother of Tyra's favorite product [vid]; i.e., attracts the crazy
+ Usually less expensive
+ Has creepy commercials [vid]

Round 1
VB throws early (natch), throws paper.
Jergen's sees the attack, throws scissors.
- Scissors cut paper; Jergens wins.

Round 2
Jergens confuses Vaseline with its fruity-smelling Original Scent. Excited, Vaseline again squirts early, again throws paper.
Jergens throws scissors.
- Scissors cut paper; Jergens wins.
- Jergens declared overall victor.

Winner (Jergens) receives: a hand to hold.
Loser (Vaseline) gets: stunted growth.

But look, Vaseline. No one's asking you to go away, just to stick to your own turf. You have a petroleum jelly. Kao Corporation is too busy to ever make it over there, so why don't you just lay off? Or jack-off. Consider roshambo your chance to exit this end of the skin care aisle with your dignity in tact. Sort of.

Amy Adams vs. Isla Fisher

Are Amy Adams and Isla Fisher the same person? I only can think of two people who would argue a list of their differences.

One is named Amy.

The other is named Isla's agent.

Amy would argue she's Oscar-nominated; Isla might argue that she's got all of the talent, none of the recognition. I would argue...they both have red hair...both kinda spazzy in their comedic acting...both have or have had religions starting with the letter "M" (Amy = Mormom from birth; Isla = presumably Methodist, pre-Judaism)...both have middle names starting with the letter "L" (Lou and Lang, respectively)...almost the same age at two years apart...really, now, are they not suspiciously like clones, versions one (1974 - Amy) and two (1976 - Isla)? And if that is the case, that the scientific machine of Hollywood has burped out these two doppelgangers who even go so far as to wear the same clothes and expect us not to notice...I've got a message for the machine: I'm onto you.

I've also got a message for Amy and Isla: one of you has got to concede defeat in this actor's lunge for mainstream popularity. The unspoken Rules of Hollywood (tm) state that two extremely similar actors can at no time both be in the mainstream. Look at Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts. Benicio del Toro and Javier Bardem. Halle Berry and...all other black actresses. It would confuse the Academy come awards season. But even outside Hollywood, this rule prevails. It's why the sun outshines the moon most of the day. But here in Roshambow-Land, there are only three rules. And I think we all know what they are.

AMY ADAMS
+ Cute as a button
+ Helped someone live for a day, i.e. a part-time philanthropist
+ McDreamy and Disney both love her

ISLA FISHER
+ Name has a silent "S," reportedly stands for "sneaky"
+ Vince Vaughn and Borat [vid] both love her
+ Wore the green dress FIRST, for the record

Round 1
Amy throws paper with an adorable giggle.
Screeching, Isla throws scissors, cuts off Amy's dress, Disney releases statement that they didn't know Amy was such a Miley; Amy hides from the public in shame.
- Scissors beat paper; Isla wins.

Round 2
After shame has passed (it usually does), Amy throws rock.
Isla unearths the old Miley articles, throws them, shames Amy once more.
- Paper covers rock, Amy's dignity; Isla wins.
- Isla declared overall winner. FINALLY.

Winner (Isla Fisher) receives: salary bump and a gift card to the mall!
Loser (Amy Adams) gets: the art house circuit.

Sparkling water vs. Spa water

One tastes like soda without the syrup. The other sounds like something you'd stick your feet in for twenty minutes until your toes prune and one of your hangnails gets soft and floats off in the fruit- and veggie-scented foam.

If you haven't yet heard of spa water, or "cucumber water," as it is sometimes called (or "weird water," as I call it), you'll now know, it's the new drinking beverage of the calorie-free elite. No one who makes under $30grand or drives a Taurus is drinking spa water. But on the flip side, no one who actually likes water is drinking sparkling water.

The wine-friendly French have shared their Perrier, the champagne of waters (named thus because it's expensive and super-annoyingly bubbly), and foreigners, forever lapping at their fashionable though at-times misguided coattails, have accepted it for a long time now. And yet we've rejected suppositories. Why? One actually--awkwardly--cures most ills, the other just gives you gas. Okay well, they both give you gas...to be fair. At any rate, I want my water to taste like water and to be still and calm as the spring from which it riseth. Ergo in my opinion, between the faux-waters sparkling and spa, one or the other or both must go. No glove-to-face-I-challenge-you-to-a-deul [vid] slapping, though. We'll settle this the roshambo way.

SPARKLING WATER
+ Not really champagne, except for those on a 12-step programme
+ Not really sparkling, unless you confuse gas with glitter (oops, I just glittered all over your face!) [vid]
+ Not really water

SPA WATER
+ Kind of tastes good if you don't really think about what's in it
+ Kind of tastes confusing if you do
+ Inherently jealous of juice

Round 1
Sparkling Water burps, throws rock.
Spa Water holds up paper to shield face from glitter.
- Paper covers rock; Spa Water wins.

Round 2
Sparkling Water distracts Spa Water with a French kiss, throws the Rosetta Stone (French edition).
Spa Water gets weak in the knees, forgets to throw.
- Considered a forfeit; Sparking Water wins.

Round 3
Sparkling Water throws Rosetta Stone, Level Deux.
Spa Water gets hit, forfeits again.
- Sparkling Water wins.

Yeah, weird, the bubbles beat out the over-fortified water. That doesn't even make sense. I guess that means the spa really is just for your feet.

Winner (Sparkling Water) receives: top shelf space at Costco.
Loser (Spa Water) gets: bottled and distributed by Coca-Cola.

Ugly vs. Fugly

Over the age of 35? Don't know what these two words mean? Here's some help:
Lower girl = ugly. Upper girl = fugly.
This dog = ugly. That dog = fugly.

You're welcome.

So which is worse: people saying, "If you just wore your hair right, then maybe..." or people saying, "At least you're smart." I think we can all agree there's nothing worse than being ugly and stupid.* But at least people bump uglies. Nobody talks about bumping fuglies.

UGLY
+ Not that bad-looking
+ Nothing a little loneliness and liquid courage can't fix!
+ But trust him, it's better with the lights off, baby.

FUGLY
+ Still hoping to become a swan, i.e. optimistic in the face of adversity
+ Owns no mirrors, i.e. pessimistic in the face of reality
+ Probably smells, too.

Round 1
Ugly throws scissors, dreams of plastic surgery.
Fugly throws rock, dreams of hitting Ugly.
- Rock blunts scissors; Fugly wins.

Round 2
Fugly throws scissors back at Ugly with a yappy bark.
Ugly cowers in fear, covers head with newspaper.
- Scissors cut paper; Fugly wins.
- Fugly declared overall winner, dreams of becoming a cutthroat corporate lawyer or a small-town police officer.
- Ugly tries to wear hair right, dimly succeeds.

Winner (Fugly) receives: a flashy car, a yacht, lots and lots of money followed by lots and lots of supermodels [vid].
Loser (Ugly) gets: scrunchies.

* = Go read a book.

Breakfast vs. Dinner

Mmm, now really. Is there anything better than a short stack of buttermilk pancakes drizzled with warm, pure Vermont maple syrup, gathered below a healthy pat of butter alongside a thick slice of brioche French toast, grilled to cinnamony-ginger-sweet, eggy perfection, sidled up close to a hot, gooey, cinnamon roll topped with orange glaze frosting washed down with ice cold (soy) milk in a bowl of acai-berry Nature's Own granola and a grapefruit slightly sweetened with Sugar in the Raw, all with a baby-sized cupa strong chai and buttery scrambled eggs on the side? No, there isn't.

Unless you're of the mind that a meal starting with the light tease of spinach and strawberry salad, brushed over with raspberry vinaigrette and mellowed out by a few cool slices of cucumber, quickly followed by wild Alaskan salmon, grilled subtly--supple on the inside, exterior just shy of crispy--under a glaze of honey, a splash of extra virgin, lemon juice, and cracked peppercorns, sharing the plate with a fluffy helping of garlic and mushroom risotto, seasoned ever so delectably with sage and basil and teamed with a crisp, cool glass of demi-sec Vouvray is more your speed. And if it is, I wouldn't blame you.

So which is really the mightier meal? My mouth doesn't care, but they're gonna settle it out.

BREAKFAST
+ Starts your day off right (unless you eat prunes, in which case it starts your day off running)
+ Always smells good
+ Often tastes like dessert

DINNER
+ Friends with your television
+ Regularly over-consumed by inefficient dieters
+ Often comes before dessert (how selfish!)

Round 1
The Most Important Meal of the Day (Breakfast) throws a pancake.
The Main Meal of the day (Dinner) throws a wishbone.
- Robeaucop rules that a pancake resembles paper, wishbone resembles scissors.
- Wishbone cuts pancake; Dinner wins.

Round 2
Breakfast throws a biscuit (rock).
Dinner throws a roll (soft rock).
- Draw
- Breakfast calls a time-out, drinks a mimosa, gets tipsy; Dinner drinks more wine, gets downright drunk, turns up the Lionel Richie.

Round 3
Breakfast burps discreetly, throws another pancake.
Dinner gets violent, throws television, threatens divorce.
- Pancake covers television (figuratively); Breakfast wins.

Breakfast now has the right to call itself not only the Most Important but also the Mightiest Meal of the Day! You go, Breakfast! [vid]

Winner (Breakfast) receives: special booth at IHOP.
Loser (Dinner) gets: wine club membership revoked.

First Aid Kit vs. Swiss Army Knife

Oh, this is a toughy....I know Boy Scouts will vote for the latter, elementary school teachers, the former. In fact, those same teachers most likely would vehemently shun the latter. You need pens. You need paper. You need safety scissors, Cheerios and Dr. Seuss. Only thing you definitely DON'T need in a first-grade classroom is a Swiss Army Knife. Little Susie gets mad at Lewis, shanks him, and then we gotta pull out the first aid kit! Looks like one begs for the presence of the other. And that, my friends, is exactly why parents send their kids to private school: no knives, lots of Adderall. Expensive as crazy, but for the continuation of Lewis's soon-to-be-psychosis-rich life chock full of Absent Daddy issues...worth every pill-poppin' penny.

FIRST AID KIT
+ From tweezers to finger splints to instant cold compresses, the best ones are filled with so many things, it's almost ridiculous (seriously, what's with the whisk?)
+ Cheaper than private school
+ Frequent use turns your kid into a weenie

SWISS ARMY KNIFE
+ Actually still used by the Swiss Army!
+ The commemorative 2006 version, The Giant, has 85 devices and 110 functions!
+ Favored tool of super celebrity secret agent Angus MacGyver [vid]!

Round 1
First Aid Kit throws rolls and rolls of paper bandages.
Swiss Army Knife folds out a minute pair of scissors.
- Scissors cut paper, Swiss Army Knife wins.

Round 2
First Aid Kit throws whisk.
Swiss Army Knife throws Phillips-head screwdriver.
- Robeaucop flags both players for illegal substitution, replay allowed.
First Aid Kit throws trauma shears.
Swiss Army Knife throws corkscrew, nail file, toothpick, pliers, LED light and a laser pointer.
- Robeaucoup flags SAK again. First Aid Kit declared winner.

Round 3
Wising up, Swiss Army Knife once again throws its very small scissors.
First Aid Kit gets hit, bursts into tears, whines for a band-aid like an idiot.
- First Aid Kit forfeits, Swiss Army Knife declared winner.
- After a shaky second round, SAK has come out on top and is declared overall winner.

Winner (Swiss Army Knife) receives: complete box set of MacGyver.
Loser (First Aid Kit) gets: a slew of prescription pills to numb the pain.

Paper vs. Plastic

Paper or plastic? A quintessential question that always, without fail, always makes me feel guilty for forgetting to bring my own shopping bag to Trader Joe's, the popular West Coast grocer that sells mostly organic and frowns at superfluous packaging. Forget your bag at Ralph's or Albertson's, who gives a damn, but TJ's inadvertently makes me feel like I hate the environment every time they give the customers right before me 10cents off, or a photo spread in the TJ Times, or a sticker/key to the city/free sex pass, all for bringing their own grocery bags.

Once it gets to my turn in the queue, I ramble about how I usually bring my own bag, and the store clerk smiles thinly as his register belt cohort wastefully begins double-sacking all my groceries in both paper and plastic. I look on, appalled, but don't even stop him. For shame.

Why don't I just leave that thing in my trunk? It's huge and mesh and white. That's right, mesh. So obviously, I don't use that bag for anything else--and since I always forget it, I actually don't use that bag for anything at all. So I guess next time when asked, I will have to choose. No more double-bagging!*

PAPER
+ Sturdy under pressure
+ Brown
+ Loves your mom even if you don't

PLASTIC
+ Can dopplegang as helmet/bike seat cover/sleeves/pants/strangulation device when it rains or when you hate someone
+ Enjoys long walks on the beach, dancing in the wind
+ Easier to stuff under the sink, swear you'll use for trash, soon forget about, and eventually throw away, all in order to make room for another behemoth soon-to-be forgotten pile

Round 1
Paper throws paper (natch).
Suffering from fear of abandonment and self-esteem issues, Plastic throws scissors, cuts itself, cries for attention.
- Scissors cut paper, Plastic wins.
- Both Paper and Plastic too injured to continue the throwdown.
- Plastic declared overall victor.

Winner (Plastic) receives: invitation to singles mixer, group therapy.
Loser (Paper) gets: tossed.

* = Unless I ever win that free sex pass.

Playboy vs. Hustler

There are tons and tons of dirty magazines out there. Like loads of them. Perfect 10, Tail Ends, Naughty Neighbors, High Society, Hometown Girls, D-Cup, Nugget, Chic, Game, Barely Legal, Celebrity Skin, Buttman, Manga Burikko, Just Us Boys, Male Insider, Gasm, Swank, Juggs, Thrust, Vulcan, Penthouse, Plumper...the list goes on. I almost want to be disturbed, but I actually just find it all kind of funny--that's what your boyfriend says about porn, too, isn't it?*

Well, some of these magazines enter and exit the scene so fast (zing!), your baser fetishes are left feeling as cheated and used as a dirty condom found in a neighborhood playground. But others stand the test of time, resilient, like that infamous stain on Lewinsky's LBD. What is their secret? The caliber of writing? The humorous letters to the editor? Perhaps both? To really find out, I think we've just got to ask two of the longer-performing (that's right!) publications to enter the ring.

PLAYBOY
+ Large house with grotto, old man with TV-show
+ Like a true gentleman, prefers blondes (but probably wouldn't kick a redhead out of bed for eating crackers)
+ Rumored to have once chosen Stanford University's Exotic Erotic as one of the hottest college parties of the year. Students found out, stripped & celebrated.

HUSTLER
+ Dirty like a tickity-tack tranny [vid] and is not even apologising for it
+ Actually has some fascinating articles, and you know, to be honest, the photo spreads really are just an unwelcome distraction**
+ In 2004 profiled the Mills College (who?) Fetish Ball as a rollicking good time. Students found out, got angry.

Round 1
Playboy drops paper on floor, bends to retrieve it, blatantly reveals lack of underwear. [vid]
Hustler gets distracted, throws rock.
- Paper covers rock, Playboy wins, jumps on a trampoline to celebrate.

Round 2
Playboy throws paper again, winks.
Hustler spreads legs like scissors.
- Scissors cut paper, Hustler wins.
- Hustler steals Playboy's hair dye. Playboy ages rapidly as roots grow in.

Round 3
Hustler spreads scissors wider.
Wiser with age, Playboy throws rock.
- Rock bruises scissors/legs, Playboy wins.
- Playboy declared overall victor; Hustler loses ability to walk or run.

Winner (Playboy) receives: home waxing kit, auburn wig.
Loser (Hustler) gets: plumper.

* = He's lying.
** = He's still lying.

Laffy Taffy vs. Werther's Originals

Ah, the candy of our youth. Sometimes adult life can be a tired mess of social, fiscal and hormonal responsibility, but at least we're wise enough to know that sweet nostalgia often quells the tide of present despair.* And oh, is it sweet. As sweet, squishy and suspiciously bright as Wonka's Laffy Taffy, and as creamy smooth as that golden, buttery orb known as the Original. The Werther's Original.

But were the memories all so grand? One treat reminds you of afternoons spent at the State Fair, riding El Conquistador [vid] just one more time before puking up your lunch (great memory); the other, of Grandpa's clammy hand patting your head just a little too hard right before his teeth fall out and Mom ushers him back to that place she has erroneously nicknamed "the home" (not so great--it's obviously not THE home, as it's nowhere near any house). Bottom line: both candies are sweet, they're both relatively un-imitated in the candy world, and they both don't really have a place in your current life. You chew Nicorette and suck on other things now. But which one deserves more of your daytime dreamtime?

LAFFY TAFFY
+ Five original flavors (sour apple, grape, strawberry, cherry and--mmmm--banana), denotes versatility
+ Odd sense of humor (What's an owl's favorite subject? Owlgebra!)
+ Chewy enough to unhinge your braces from your molars

WERTHER'S ORIGINALS
+ Many alternate uses (fishing bait, earrings, toy car wheels or--consider it--small frisbee), denotes versatility
+ Sweetness enclosed in a hard exterior
+ Smells like Robert Rockwell

Round 1
Taffy throws its wrapper (i.e., paper).
Werther climbs uphill, both ways, barefoot, in the SNOW for Pete's sake. Finds rusty old scissors, throws scissors.
- Scissors cut paper, Werther wins.

Round 2
Thinking to crack Old Werther, Taffy throws rock.
Werther throws a set of dentures (i.e., rock).
- Draw
- Taffy tells a joke to break the tension (What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? A chipmonk!)
- Werther chuckles, pats Taffy on the head. Thump, thump, thump.

Round 3
Taffy goes wild, throws scissors.
Werther throws the same rusty scissors from Round 1.
- Draw
- Werther's Originals declared as victor.

Winner (Werther's Originals) receives: shoes, snowmobile, set of new teeth.
Loser (Laffy Taffy) gets: braces.

* = Disclaimer: If you were Jamie Lee Curtis or in a foster home as a child, it's probably better to just keep looking ahead.

Next throwdown might be scandalous.

Texas vs. California

It's been dying to happen. Both brag at being the bigger state, and both claim to swing the bigger election-year stick. But everyone knows California avocados are used in Texas guacamole, and everyone suspects California's workforce would be small and dwindling had Texas not increased its border patrol.

They compliment one another and yet they are rivals. What Texas started with "Dallas," California finished with "The O.C." What California cleverly concocted (yet ultimately dismembered) with BRING IT ON, versions one to infinitum, Texas repackaged and slyly syndicated in a taut, little reality show called, "Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders." Don't pretend you've never watched it. It's in your Tivo, I've seen it there.

TEXAS
+ Short, stout and very greasy (i.e., not afraid to play dirty, has a low center of gravity)
+ Wields a concealed weapon
+ Remembers the Alamo

CALIFORNIA
+ Tall, lean, muscular, flexible, tanned and powered by hemp root and flaxseed oil
+ Has trained at Equinox with Gunnar Peterson, Fabio, Lance Armstrong, Billy Blanks
+ Constantly high on medical marijuana

Round 1
California throws recycled paper.
Texas throws rock.
- Paper covers rock, California wins.

Round 2
Texas throws rock.
California uses paper from round one, rolls a blunt, gets hungry, forgets to throw.
- California forfeits, Texas wins.

Round 3
California throws scissors.
Texas (concealed weapon alert!) throws the Alamo.
- Robeaucop rules that the Alamo, which is made of stone, qualifies as a rock. Rock smashes scissors, then California; causes an earthquake. Texas wins.

Winner (Texas) receives: lifetime supply of California avocados.
Loser (California) gets: stoned.

Next throwdown will be sticky/sweet.