Guy Ritchie vs. A-Rod

Madonna is one of the most powerful women in the world. Melinda Gates probably trumps her, and yeah, sure, Oprah obviously, what with her Angel Network and her huge hair...but in terms of being a style chameleon and a pop culture icon, Madonna takes the cake.

Therefore, the artistically-respected, British cult director Guy Ritchie must have felt like a kid in a cake store when he had the idea, but eight years ago, to get this Biblically famous woman on his arm. A bit like David Beckham marrying Posh, they must have regarded each other on the wedding night and thought, "Well done, you. Good call."

The difference in their nuptials, however, ends there. Becks knew he was bringing home a cyborg on day one. Poor Guy had no idea. The chameleon began to...chamele, and before long the woman he had married--curly-haired, rough around the edges, bendy, fiercely sexual and full of brash, American willfulness--that woman became someone else entirely. Bony, Botoxed, stiff, chilly and...British.

The rumors detailing their break-up are a little crazy. Along with many yoga- and Kabbalah-related responsibilities, apparently Lady M kept Guy on a tight, sex-free leash. And though Madonna has creativity for spades where her career is concerned, she was kind of like kryptonite to his. Squinting into the "ray of light" rendered Guy more-or-less creatively blind for eight years straight, and there was no lasic surgery strong enough to save him. Is it any wonder that now, on the eve of their break-up, he's releasing the first good movie he's made since meeting her? If the early critics are to be believed, ROCKNROLLA is a return to form for Mr. Ritchie. So should Guy really be sad to see her go? Or just be happy there seems to be someone slightly insane enough to take her away?

If rumors are to be believed, Madonna has already traded up (down? sideways?) for a man named A-Rod. It's true, Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees is ridiculous when it comes to baseball. But if A-Rod now is going for Madonna...and all the yoga that entails...he might just be ridiculous. Was Madonna wrong to leave Guy? Will A-Rod fill the British, man-hungry void?

Let's take a look at their strengths and weaknesses.
GUY RITCHIE
+ Doesn't fake being British.
+ Soon to write and direct SHERLOCK HOLMES remake with Robert Downey Jr. and Rachel McAdams (i.e. back on the creative rise)
- Married "Evita," woke up with a "Beautiful Stranger"

A-ROD
+ Didn't make SWEPT AWAY
- If the tabloid tales are true, is a bit of a home wrecker (i.e., plays dirty)
+ Doesn't really need Madonna's money or fame to feel fabulous

Round 1
Guy throws eight years worth of bad script ideas.
A-Rod swings, hits 'em outta the park. The peanut gallery goes wild. Shutters flash; John Sterling gets the first interview.
= Technically, A-Rod's showiness does not count as a play. Robeaucop declares that delayed throw counts as a forfeit; Guy wins with paper. Lots and lots of useless paper.
= Madonna enters the stadium with Britney Spears. They make out; Guy gets swept away.

Round 2
A-Rod throws scissors, then his bat.
Guy forgets to throw.
= A-Rod wins by forfeit.

= Guy pulls A-Rod aside and asks him about any acting ambitions. A-Rod admits he wanted the lead in THE GAME PLAN (starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson). Guy gets to thinking, begins penning a screenplay.
Round 3
Guy throws (out) the first few pages of his screenplay.
Anticipating his opponent's Madonna-induced creative constipation, A-Rod throws scissors!
= Scissors cut paper; A-Rod wins.
= A-Rod declared overall winner. Guy sighs in relief.

Winner (Alex Rodriguez) receives: kabbalah beads, two orphan babies, a bump in salary.
Loser (Guy Ritchie) gets: his career back!

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: The London Telegraph

IHOP vs. Denny's

I forgot to fast-forward through a commercial break while watching some mundane weeknight television show one mundane weeknight, and I noticed that IHOP--that's THE International House of Pancakes, people--is having a bit of a holiday special. For the end of the scariest month of the year, IHOP is helping hungover Halloween revelers around the country celebrate with endless pancakes! That's right! All! You! Can! Eat! The commercial somehow tried to weave a theme of "trick or treat" into their eerily-lit, orange-colored pancake schematic, but it is quite obvious, from front to back and in both certain and uncertain terms: this is clearly, clearly a treat. What in life could be better than a fluffy, hot buttermilk short stack?

Denny's, IHOP's ugly cousin, asked themselves the same question and came up with the $4 Weekday Express Slam. In appreciation of American brokeness, the already alarmingly cheap 24/7 eatery is lowering its prices even more to offer two pancakes, 2 eggs and 2 meat-du-choix from 5am to 4pm every mundane day of the week--for a limited time only.

In reality, both chains are promoting their respective specials to appeal to the current communal desire to (a)spend less money while eating out, and (b)eat large amounts of breakfast at 3am. But only one of these chains actually has good food. And it ain't Denny's. I know, I know, some might say--what's the difference? Aren't they both 24hr diners with weak drip coffee, dirty bathrooms, and too many police in the entryway? And to those people I say, close your mouths. Don't desecrate The Hop by comparing her to the likes of Denny's--or even Grandy's, Mel's or Ruby's. Mel's is over-priced, Ruby's has only been around 25 years to IHOP's fifty, and Grandy's slogan is "a mouthful of memories." That is never what I want to think after eating out. As for Denny's, which is older than IHOP and disgustingly still alive, there's no excuse for the comparison. You will see in a matter of rounds how different the two pancake purveyors really are.

IHOP
+ Serves Russian blintzes, French toast and Belgian waffles, i.e., not xenophobic
+ Owns Applebees. Which is where you belong. (think about it)
+ Actually has amazing pancakes. They are really good. Don't get the steak, though. The place isn't called IHOS for a reason.

DENNY'S
+ Considered being a tickity-tack tranny before entering the restaurant business (true story)*
+ Helps starving musicians gain weight, get fat, get heart problems**
+ Briefly held a recurring guest spot on Grey's Anatomy

Round 1
IHOP throws a pancake (natch).
Denny's throws a Lumberjack Slam.
- Robeaucop rules pancake serves as paper; flags Denny's for throwing a person. However, Denny's lumberjack pulls out a pair of shears, surprising the onlookers.
- Scissors cut pancake; Denny's wins.

Round 2
Pissed at the secret attack from Round 1, IHOP throws Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n' Fruity.
Denny's throws Moons Over My Hammy.
- Robeaucop flags them both for Illegal Substitution. Playing dirty like a TTT, Denny's moons IHOP. IHOP gets rooty tooty and farts on Denny's; fight breaks out. Both subside shortly, however, out of breath and fearing complications from high cholesterol.

Round 3
Denny's throws a biscuit (hard as a rock).
IHOP throws a steak (is a rock).
- Draw.
- Denny's declared the winner. IHOP sulks, tries not to cry, demands a rematch. Denny's has already left the ring to celebrate with a victory 400-calorie milkshake.

Winner (Denny's) receives: all-he-can-eat IHOP pancakes, quickly followed by a heart transplant.
Loser (alas, poor IHOP) gets: everything on the Denny's dinner menu.

What should throwdown next?

* = May or may not be a true story.
** = Actually is a true story (which I must grudgingly admit I admire).

Photos: LA Times

Jergens vs. Vaseline Brand

Who's got dry hands? Put your hand up; you might think you don't, but you actually do. If no one's told you, it's because they do, too. I don't know which is worse--coarse and dry or cold and clammy (roshambo alert!)--but I do know soft and smooth is better than both. When you shake hands for an interview, you want your grip to be direct like a self-starter, firm like a multi-tasker, and juuuuust soft enough that it seems doubtful that you've ever done an ounce of actual work in your entire life. And for that, you need a great hand lotion.

I know, I know. Some boys use lotion for more than just the "interview stroke." Most boys. But smart boys--and girls--will appreciate there are better things to do with that lotion and those hands. Going so far as to confront her all-work-no-play hands with her doctor, my mother has tried both Jergens and Vaseline Brand, and she swears by Jergens. It's actually kind of strange, you know, to hear her do it: "By Jergens, I'm not putting you in my will." That sounds weird. But I trust her choice in this matter just as much as I don't trust this guy. Besides, does anyone actually use Vaseline Brand lotion? I'll answer that question--the answer is no. Lubriderm or Curel or Aveeno, maybe. Vaseline Brand, unless it's a different soft touch you're after, not likely.

JERGENS
+ Soft as a baby's bottom
+ Sounds Swedish
+ Actually, like most things, comes from Japan

VASELINE BRAND
+ Mother of Tyra's favorite product [vid]; i.e., attracts the crazy
+ Usually less expensive
+ Has creepy commercials [vid]

Round 1
VB throws early (natch), throws paper.
Jergen's sees the attack, throws scissors.
- Scissors cut paper; Jergens wins.

Round 2
Jergens confuses Vaseline with its fruity-smelling Original Scent. Excited, Vaseline again squirts early, again throws paper.
Jergens throws scissors.
- Scissors cut paper; Jergens wins.
- Jergens declared overall victor.

Winner (Jergens) receives: a hand to hold.
Loser (Vaseline) gets: stunted growth.

But look, Vaseline. No one's asking you to go away, just to stick to your own turf. You have a petroleum jelly. Kao Corporation is too busy to ever make it over there, so why don't you just lay off? Or jack-off. Consider roshambo your chance to exit this end of the skin care aisle with your dignity in tact. Sort of.

Ugly vs. Fugly

Over the age of 35? Don't know what these two words mean? Here's some help:
Lower girl = ugly. Upper girl = fugly.
This dog = ugly. That dog = fugly.

You're welcome.

So which is worse: people saying, "If you just wore your hair right, then maybe..." or people saying, "At least you're smart." I think we can all agree there's nothing worse than being ugly and stupid.* But at least people bump uglies. Nobody talks about bumping fuglies.

UGLY
+ Not that bad-looking
+ Nothing a little loneliness and liquid courage can't fix!
+ But trust him, it's better with the lights off, baby.

FUGLY
+ Still hoping to become a swan, i.e. optimistic in the face of adversity
+ Owns no mirrors, i.e. pessimistic in the face of reality
+ Probably smells, too.

Round 1
Ugly throws scissors, dreams of plastic surgery.
Fugly throws rock, dreams of hitting Ugly.
- Rock blunts scissors; Fugly wins.

Round 2
Fugly throws scissors back at Ugly with a yappy bark.
Ugly cowers in fear, covers head with newspaper.
- Scissors cut paper; Fugly wins.
- Fugly declared overall winner, dreams of becoming a cutthroat corporate lawyer or a small-town police officer.
- Ugly tries to wear hair right, dimly succeeds.

Winner (Fugly) receives: a flashy car, a yacht, lots and lots of money followed by lots and lots of supermodels [vid].
Loser (Ugly) gets: scrunchies.

* = Go read a book.

First Aid Kit vs. Swiss Army Knife

Oh, this is a toughy....I know Boy Scouts will vote for the latter, elementary school teachers, the former. In fact, those same teachers most likely would vehemently shun the latter. You need pens. You need paper. You need safety scissors, Cheerios and Dr. Seuss. Only thing you definitely DON'T need in a first-grade classroom is a Swiss Army Knife. Little Susie gets mad at Lewis, shanks him, and then we gotta pull out the first aid kit! Looks like one begs for the presence of the other. And that, my friends, is exactly why parents send their kids to private school: no knives, lots of Adderall. Expensive as crazy, but for the continuation of Lewis's soon-to-be-psychosis-rich life chock full of Absent Daddy issues...worth every pill-poppin' penny.

FIRST AID KIT
+ From tweezers to finger splints to instant cold compresses, the best ones are filled with so many things, it's almost ridiculous (seriously, what's with the whisk?)
+ Cheaper than private school
+ Frequent use turns your kid into a weenie

SWISS ARMY KNIFE
+ Actually still used by the Swiss Army!
+ The commemorative 2006 version, The Giant, has 85 devices and 110 functions!
+ Favored tool of super celebrity secret agent Angus MacGyver [vid]!

Round 1
First Aid Kit throws rolls and rolls of paper bandages.
Swiss Army Knife folds out a minute pair of scissors.
- Scissors cut paper, Swiss Army Knife wins.

Round 2
First Aid Kit throws whisk.
Swiss Army Knife throws Phillips-head screwdriver.
- Robeaucop flags both players for illegal substitution, replay allowed.
First Aid Kit throws trauma shears.
Swiss Army Knife throws corkscrew, nail file, toothpick, pliers, LED light and a laser pointer.
- Robeaucoup flags SAK again. First Aid Kit declared winner.

Round 3
Wising up, Swiss Army Knife once again throws its very small scissors.
First Aid Kit gets hit, bursts into tears, whines for a band-aid like an idiot.
- First Aid Kit forfeits, Swiss Army Knife declared winner.
- After a shaky second round, SAK has come out on top and is declared overall winner.

Winner (Swiss Army Knife) receives: complete box set of MacGyver.
Loser (First Aid Kit) gets: a slew of prescription pills to numb the pain.

Paper vs. Plastic

Paper or plastic? A quintessential question that always, without fail, always makes me feel guilty for forgetting to bring my own shopping bag to Trader Joe's, the popular West Coast grocer that sells mostly organic and frowns at superfluous packaging. Forget your bag at Ralph's or Albertson's, who gives a damn, but TJ's inadvertently makes me feel like I hate the environment every time they give the customers right before me 10cents off, or a photo spread in the TJ Times, or a sticker/key to the city/free sex pass, all for bringing their own grocery bags.

Once it gets to my turn in the queue, I ramble about how I usually bring my own bag, and the store clerk smiles thinly as his register belt cohort wastefully begins double-sacking all my groceries in both paper and plastic. I look on, appalled, but don't even stop him. For shame.

Why don't I just leave that thing in my trunk? It's huge and mesh and white. That's right, mesh. So obviously, I don't use that bag for anything else--and since I always forget it, I actually don't use that bag for anything at all. So I guess next time when asked, I will have to choose. No more double-bagging!*

PAPER
+ Sturdy under pressure
+ Brown
+ Loves your mom even if you don't

PLASTIC
+ Can dopplegang as helmet/bike seat cover/sleeves/pants/strangulation device when it rains or when you hate someone
+ Enjoys long walks on the beach, dancing in the wind
+ Easier to stuff under the sink, swear you'll use for trash, soon forget about, and eventually throw away, all in order to make room for another behemoth soon-to-be forgotten pile

Round 1
Paper throws paper (natch).
Suffering from fear of abandonment and self-esteem issues, Plastic throws scissors, cuts itself, cries for attention.
- Scissors cut paper, Plastic wins.
- Both Paper and Plastic too injured to continue the throwdown.
- Plastic declared overall victor.

Winner (Plastic) receives: invitation to singles mixer, group therapy.
Loser (Paper) gets: tossed.

* = Unless I ever win that free sex pass.

Laffy Taffy vs. Werther's Originals

Ah, the candy of our youth. Sometimes adult life can be a tired mess of social, fiscal and hormonal responsibility, but at least we're wise enough to know that sweet nostalgia often quells the tide of present despair.* And oh, is it sweet. As sweet, squishy and suspiciously bright as Wonka's Laffy Taffy, and as creamy smooth as that golden, buttery orb known as the Original. The Werther's Original.

But were the memories all so grand? One treat reminds you of afternoons spent at the State Fair, riding El Conquistador [vid] just one more time before puking up your lunch (great memory); the other, of Grandpa's clammy hand patting your head just a little too hard right before his teeth fall out and Mom ushers him back to that place she has erroneously nicknamed "the home" (not so great--it's obviously not THE home, as it's nowhere near any house). Bottom line: both candies are sweet, they're both relatively un-imitated in the candy world, and they both don't really have a place in your current life. You chew Nicorette and suck on other things now. But which one deserves more of your daytime dreamtime?

LAFFY TAFFY
+ Five original flavors (sour apple, grape, strawberry, cherry and--mmmm--banana), denotes versatility
+ Odd sense of humor (What's an owl's favorite subject? Owlgebra!)
+ Chewy enough to unhinge your braces from your molars

WERTHER'S ORIGINALS
+ Many alternate uses (fishing bait, earrings, toy car wheels or--consider it--small frisbee), denotes versatility
+ Sweetness enclosed in a hard exterior
+ Smells like Robert Rockwell

Round 1
Taffy throws its wrapper (i.e., paper).
Werther climbs uphill, both ways, barefoot, in the SNOW for Pete's sake. Finds rusty old scissors, throws scissors.
- Scissors cut paper, Werther wins.

Round 2
Thinking to crack Old Werther, Taffy throws rock.
Werther throws a set of dentures (i.e., rock).
- Draw
- Taffy tells a joke to break the tension (What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? A chipmonk!)
- Werther chuckles, pats Taffy on the head. Thump, thump, thump.

Round 3
Taffy goes wild, throws scissors.
Werther throws the same rusty scissors from Round 1.
- Draw
- Werther's Originals declared as victor.

Winner (Werther's Originals) receives: shoes, snowmobile, set of new teeth.
Loser (Laffy Taffy) gets: braces.

* = Disclaimer: If you were Jamie Lee Curtis or in a foster home as a child, it's probably better to just keep looking ahead.

Next throwdown might be scandalous.