Lance Armstrong vs. Michael Phelps

Lance Armstrong just won't quit, that one-balled wonder. Word is he's training to race in (and thus smash) the Tour de France. Again. All things according to his plan, the 2009 race will make his eighth win--which is exactly how many gold medals Michael Phelps took home at the Olympics this past summer. Michael Phelps, who apparently was a nice guy before TheCycle.com called him "The Lance Armstrong of Swimming." Um, that would be inaccurate. Michael has both his gonads and has never--and will never--date and then dump Sheryl Crowe. The best he could get is probably Hilary Duff's sister....

So if the two athletic champions, one of water, one of road, were to battle for the title of Most Surprisingly Gifted Athlete of the Decade (and if that legless Paralympic runner, Oscar Pistorius, wasn't allowed to compete), would they do it in the pool (meaning the title would go to Phelps) or on the trail (Armstrong)? Or would it be in neutral territory, like a basketball court (Phelps) or a hospital wing (Armstrong)? How about on Roshambowned?

A look at their strengths and weaknesses.
LANCE ARMSTRONG
+ Has one ball...which in his case has proven an advantage.
- Dumped Sheryl Crowe, i.e., ridiculously cocky (snap!)
+ Friends with Matthew McConaughey

MICHAEL PHELPS
- Not cute (like really, what's he doing on the cover of my December GQ?)
+ Plays professional poker, i.e. is a bit of a gambler
+ Could eat a house for breakfast

Round 1
Lance throws scissors, extremely quickly.
Michael throws his letter inviting him onto Barbara Walter's "10 Most Fascinating People" special.
= Scissors cut paper; Lance wins.
= Lance phones Barb to ask why he wasn't invited. She releases a press statement saying the decision process was "difficult," but refuses to speak to Lance directly.

Round 2
Lance throws scissors again.
Michael throws rock.
= Rock blunts scissors; Michael wins.
= Michael's ADD kicks in, and he asks if they can switch to poker. Lance starts bragging about how great he probably is at poker. Michael declines to play with him.

Round 3
Lance sticks to his guns, throws scissors.
Michael throws scissors, too!
= Draw!

Round 4
In an unexpected move, Lance throws rock.
In an unexpected counter-attack, Michael throws a half-eaten house!
= Robeaucop rules the house is not a suitable weapon, especially since Lance just biked through the front door, rendering the intended collision of man and building incomplete. Flag on the play.
= Michael takes a break to eat the rest of the house. Burps.
= Lance splashes his face with water, goes "Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!" and is ready for more.

Round 5
Lance throws one of McConaughey's bongo drums.
To try and distract him, Michael throws a Sheryl Crowe CD.
= That would be wood vs. plastic. Flag on the play; illegal substitution.
= Lance plays drum to Sheryl's hit single, "Soak Up the Sun," to focus before Round 7.

Round 6
Lance throws scissors.
All ego, Michael throws that GQ with his face on it.
= Scissors cut paper; improve magazine cover. Lance wins.
= Lance declared overall winner.

Winner (Lance Armstrong) receives: no more testicular cancer?
Loser (Michael Phelps) gets: taping of his night hosting Saturday Night Live.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: DoSomething.org