Guy Ritchie vs. A-Rod

Madonna is one of the most powerful women in the world. Melinda Gates probably trumps her, and yeah, sure, Oprah obviously, what with her Angel Network and her huge hair...but in terms of being a style chameleon and a pop culture icon, Madonna takes the cake.

Therefore, the artistically-respected, British cult director Guy Ritchie must have felt like a kid in a cake store when he had the idea, but eight years ago, to get this Biblically famous woman on his arm. A bit like David Beckham marrying Posh, they must have regarded each other on the wedding night and thought, "Well done, you. Good call."

The difference in their nuptials, however, ends there. Becks knew he was bringing home a cyborg on day one. Poor Guy had no idea. The chameleon began to...chamele, and before long the woman he had married--curly-haired, rough around the edges, bendy, fiercely sexual and full of brash, American willfulness--that woman became someone else entirely. Bony, Botoxed, stiff, chilly and...British.

The rumors detailing their break-up are a little crazy. Along with many yoga- and Kabbalah-related responsibilities, apparently Lady M kept Guy on a tight, sex-free leash. And though Madonna has creativity for spades where her career is concerned, she was kind of like kryptonite to his. Squinting into the "ray of light" rendered Guy more-or-less creatively blind for eight years straight, and there was no lasic surgery strong enough to save him. Is it any wonder that now, on the eve of their break-up, he's releasing the first good movie he's made since meeting her? If the early critics are to be believed, ROCKNROLLA is a return to form for Mr. Ritchie. So should Guy really be sad to see her go? Or just be happy there seems to be someone slightly insane enough to take her away?

If rumors are to be believed, Madonna has already traded up (down? sideways?) for a man named A-Rod. It's true, Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees is ridiculous when it comes to baseball. But if A-Rod now is going for Madonna...and all the yoga that entails...he might just be ridiculous. Was Madonna wrong to leave Guy? Will A-Rod fill the British, man-hungry void?

Let's take a look at their strengths and weaknesses.
GUY RITCHIE
+ Doesn't fake being British.
+ Soon to write and direct SHERLOCK HOLMES remake with Robert Downey Jr. and Rachel McAdams (i.e. back on the creative rise)
- Married "Evita," woke up with a "Beautiful Stranger"

A-ROD
+ Didn't make SWEPT AWAY
- If the tabloid tales are true, is a bit of a home wrecker (i.e., plays dirty)
+ Doesn't really need Madonna's money or fame to feel fabulous

Round 1
Guy throws eight years worth of bad script ideas.
A-Rod swings, hits 'em outta the park. The peanut gallery goes wild. Shutters flash; John Sterling gets the first interview.
= Technically, A-Rod's showiness does not count as a play. Robeaucop declares that delayed throw counts as a forfeit; Guy wins with paper. Lots and lots of useless paper.
= Madonna enters the stadium with Britney Spears. They make out; Guy gets swept away.

Round 2
A-Rod throws scissors, then his bat.
Guy forgets to throw.
= A-Rod wins by forfeit.

= Guy pulls A-Rod aside and asks him about any acting ambitions. A-Rod admits he wanted the lead in THE GAME PLAN (starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson). Guy gets to thinking, begins penning a screenplay.
Round 3
Guy throws (out) the first few pages of his screenplay.
Anticipating his opponent's Madonna-induced creative constipation, A-Rod throws scissors!
= Scissors cut paper; A-Rod wins.
= A-Rod declared overall winner. Guy sighs in relief.

Winner (Alex Rodriguez) receives: kabbalah beads, two orphan babies, a bump in salary.
Loser (Guy Ritchie) gets: his career back!

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: The London Telegraph