Election Special: Barack Obama vs. John McCain

If you have a TV, radio, computer, iPhone, crackberry or an okay friend who might be kind of annoying but who let's you borrow their gear, you'll have already heard that the 44th President of the United States has been named. His name is Barack Obama (add or drop a "Hussein," depending on your political leaning). At 11pm EST right as the West Coast polls closed, CNN delcared him the victor of one of the most controversial political races in American history with a huge "Breaking News" banner that interrupted the dramatic countdown everyone in my living room was enjoying. And that was it. Barack won.

But with 349 electoral votes, Barack Obama didn't just "win" this election. He kinda crushed it. Some news stations are calling it "close," but keep in mind it takes 270 electoral votes to win. At 48 states reporting, McCain had 147. And to remind you...Barack's at 349. Is that "close?" Or "lucky?" Or is it America finally waking up and smelling the eight-year old, over-roasted, teeth-staining, chagrin-inducing coffee?

Like "Danny Boy" in the British ditty, the pipes, the pipes, are calling old Johnny boy--and telling him to pack up his things, go back to his eight houses and weep behind clothes doors like a man of the people. Because clearly, in the game of politics, Barack has whooped McCain, and as we were amused to find in the battle of Texas vs. California, the pipes--or was it the joints?--usually signal a quick finish. If it were all decided by roshambo, however...who really would be our president?

BARACK OBAMA
+ So intelligent, he might be a computer
+ Supports budget cuts, universal health care and change
+ Flanked by two beautiful children...and an embarrassingly talkative vice president

JOHN MCCAIN
+ So old, he might be a dinosaur
+ Flanked by a wife he calls a trollop and...an embarrassingly talkative vice president (you betcha!)
+ Loves Joe Six-Pack, Joe the Plumber, Joe Blow Bubble-Gum, Bazooka Joe, The Joe-nas Brothers...and anything else that involves the name "Joe"

Round 1
Obama throws rock, encourages us to Ba-ROCK the vote.
McCain throws paper, realises he's out of money, takes the paper back, and hence forfeits his throw.
- Due to forfeit, Barack Obama wins.

Round 2
Obama throws change.
McCain scoops up the change, uses it for one last round of attack ads.
- Robeaucop flags Obama for illegal substitution, flags McCain for dirty campaigning. Rematch allowed.

Round 3
Obama throws a stack of ballots to all the swing states.
McCain throws a stack of ballots, but only at his constituency in Arizona.
- Draw.
- McCain, out of breath, asks for a sub. In an unprecedented move, Robeaucop allows McCain to sub in his running mate, Sarah Palin, who winks at the camera.

Round 4
Obama throws rock.
Palin throws a polar bear, shoots it in the face.
- Robeaucop flags Palin for unsportsmanlike conduct. One more flag and this match is over.
- Obama smiles confidently, but not too confidently, encouraging MoveOn.org to keep rolling calls.
- Palin asks for clarification on the rules of the game, gets "coached" by her party for a few days in the woods; returns without her rifle, ready for Round 5.

Round 5
Obama throws Pennsylvania.
Palin throws Alaska.
- Again, Robeaucop called in on the play. Declares both states, as masses of land, can count for rock. Win decided by electoral vote count.
- Pennsylvania = 21; Alaska = 3.
- Well, tell ya what, Sarah, looks like you plum lost right there.
- Barack Obama declared overall victor. John blames himself. Sarah blames Sarah.

Winner (Barack Obama) receives: the presidency. A very strong secret service unit. Lots of loose change.
Loser (John McCain/Sarah Palin) gets: Alaska.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: BarackObama.com