Halloween vs. Thanksgiving

They both love autumn, the color orange and cold mornings. And each one celebrates a basic human emotion (fear and colonialism, respectively). But it ain't about the ghouls and the goblins or the Pilgrims and the Natives-Who-Got-Treated-Worse-Than-Immigrants. This throwdown's really about one thing: edible delight. It's tootsie rolls versus turkey legs. Willy Wonka versus the lucky wishbone. Those candy corn pumpkins versus pumpkin pie filling straight from a can.

They both taste so good at the start--where Thanksgiving is savory, Halloween smacks of sweet--but they also both seem to promote a formidable amount of overeating. One leaves you with an uncomfortable trip to the dentist (Halloween), the other with an uncomfortable trip to your fat jeans (Thanksgiving). We already know which one gets dibs on an aisle at the neighborhood Wal-Mart, K-Mart or even Piggly Wiggly, but if you could only celebrate one or the other next year and every year thereafter...which would you rather eat?

A look at their fortes and faults.
HALLOWEEN
+ Only time of year you can get flavored tootsie rolls in bulk
+ Most would argue, signals the start of the holiday season
- Doesn't signal a day off work to the HR department

THANKSGIVING
- Constantly overlooked on the road from Halloween to Hanukkah/Christmastime
+ Has its own parade, sponsored by corporate America (Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade)
- There's a dog show during halftime?!

Round 1
Halloween throws candy wrappers.
Thanksgiving throws kitchen scissors.
= Scissors cut wrappers (paper); Thanksgiving wins.

Round 2
Halloween throws a knife covered in fake blood.
Thanksgiving throws a steak knife covered in Worcestershire sauce.
= This round is moot.
= Halloween puts on a Scream mask. Thanksgiving cowers in fear.

Round 3
Halloween throws vintage rock candy.
Thanksgiving throws cranberry sauce in a can, shaped like a can, hard as a rock.
= Draw

Round 4
Halloween throws scissors, cuts through some candy packaging.
Thanksgiving throws rock, kills a turkey. Vegans mourn.
= Rock blunts scissors; Thanksgiving wins.
= Thanksgiving declared overall victor.

Winner (Thanksgiving) receives: bragging rights, another personnalised song by Adam Sandler, candy.
Loser (Halloween) gets: tickets to the dog show; bills from the dentist.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: Slap Upside the Head