Halloween vs. Thanksgiving

They both love autumn, the color orange and cold mornings. And each one celebrates a basic human emotion (fear and colonialism, respectively). But it ain't about the ghouls and the goblins or the Pilgrims and the Natives-Who-Got-Treated-Worse-Than-Immigrants. This throwdown's really about one thing: edible delight. It's tootsie rolls versus turkey legs. Willy Wonka versus the lucky wishbone. Those candy corn pumpkins versus pumpkin pie filling straight from a can.

They both taste so good at the start--where Thanksgiving is savory, Halloween smacks of sweet--but they also both seem to promote a formidable amount of overeating. One leaves you with an uncomfortable trip to the dentist (Halloween), the other with an uncomfortable trip to your fat jeans (Thanksgiving). We already know which one gets dibs on an aisle at the neighborhood Wal-Mart, K-Mart or even Piggly Wiggly, but if you could only celebrate one or the other next year and every year thereafter...which would you rather eat?

A look at their fortes and faults.
HALLOWEEN
+ Only time of year you can get flavored tootsie rolls in bulk
+ Most would argue, signals the start of the holiday season
- Doesn't signal a day off work to the HR department

THANKSGIVING
- Constantly overlooked on the road from Halloween to Hanukkah/Christmastime
+ Has its own parade, sponsored by corporate America (Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade)
- There's a dog show during halftime?!

Round 1
Halloween throws candy wrappers.
Thanksgiving throws kitchen scissors.
= Scissors cut wrappers (paper); Thanksgiving wins.

Round 2
Halloween throws a knife covered in fake blood.
Thanksgiving throws a steak knife covered in Worcestershire sauce.
= This round is moot.
= Halloween puts on a Scream mask. Thanksgiving cowers in fear.

Round 3
Halloween throws vintage rock candy.
Thanksgiving throws cranberry sauce in a can, shaped like a can, hard as a rock.
= Draw

Round 4
Halloween throws scissors, cuts through some candy packaging.
Thanksgiving throws rock, kills a turkey. Vegans mourn.
= Rock blunts scissors; Thanksgiving wins.
= Thanksgiving declared overall victor.

Winner (Thanksgiving) receives: bragging rights, another personnalised song by Adam Sandler, candy.
Loser (Halloween) gets: tickets to the dog show; bills from the dentist.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: Slap Upside the Head

Sparkling water vs. Spa water

One tastes like soda without the syrup. The other sounds like something you'd stick your feet in for twenty minutes until your toes prune and one of your hangnails gets soft and floats off in the fruit- and veggie-scented foam.

If you haven't yet heard of spa water, or "cucumber water," as it is sometimes called (or "weird water," as I call it), you'll now know, it's the new drinking beverage of the calorie-free elite. No one who makes under $30grand or drives a Taurus is drinking spa water. But on the flip side, no one who actually likes water is drinking sparkling water.

The wine-friendly French have shared their Perrier, the champagne of waters (named thus because it's expensive and super-annoyingly bubbly), and foreigners, forever lapping at their fashionable though at-times misguided coattails, have accepted it for a long time now. And yet we've rejected suppositories. Why? One actually--awkwardly--cures most ills, the other just gives you gas. Okay well, they both give you gas...to be fair. At any rate, I want my water to taste like water and to be still and calm as the spring from which it riseth. Ergo in my opinion, between the faux-waters sparkling and spa, one or the other or both must go. No glove-to-face-I-challenge-you-to-a-deul [vid] slapping, though. We'll settle this the roshambo way.

SPARKLING WATER
+ Not really champagne, except for those on a 12-step programme
+ Not really sparkling, unless you confuse gas with glitter (oops, I just glittered all over your face!) [vid]
+ Not really water

SPA WATER
+ Kind of tastes good if you don't really think about what's in it
+ Kind of tastes confusing if you do
+ Inherently jealous of juice

Round 1
Sparkling Water burps, throws rock.
Spa Water holds up paper to shield face from glitter.
- Paper covers rock; Spa Water wins.

Round 2
Sparkling Water distracts Spa Water with a French kiss, throws the Rosetta Stone (French edition).
Spa Water gets weak in the knees, forgets to throw.
- Considered a forfeit; Sparking Water wins.

Round 3
Sparkling Water throws Rosetta Stone, Level Deux.
Spa Water gets hit, forfeits again.
- Sparkling Water wins.

Yeah, weird, the bubbles beat out the over-fortified water. That doesn't even make sense. I guess that means the spa really is just for your feet.

Winner (Sparkling Water) receives: top shelf space at Costco.
Loser (Spa Water) gets: bottled and distributed by Coca-Cola.

Playboy vs. Hustler

There are tons and tons of dirty magazines out there. Like loads of them. Perfect 10, Tail Ends, Naughty Neighbors, High Society, Hometown Girls, D-Cup, Nugget, Chic, Game, Barely Legal, Celebrity Skin, Buttman, Manga Burikko, Just Us Boys, Male Insider, Gasm, Swank, Juggs, Thrust, Vulcan, Penthouse, Plumper...the list goes on. I almost want to be disturbed, but I actually just find it all kind of funny--that's what your boyfriend says about porn, too, isn't it?*

Well, some of these magazines enter and exit the scene so fast (zing!), your baser fetishes are left feeling as cheated and used as a dirty condom found in a neighborhood playground. But others stand the test of time, resilient, like that infamous stain on Lewinsky's LBD. What is their secret? The caliber of writing? The humorous letters to the editor? Perhaps both? To really find out, I think we've just got to ask two of the longer-performing (that's right!) publications to enter the ring.

PLAYBOY
+ Large house with grotto, old man with TV-show
+ Like a true gentleman, prefers blondes (but probably wouldn't kick a redhead out of bed for eating crackers)
+ Rumored to have once chosen Stanford University's Exotic Erotic as one of the hottest college parties of the year. Students found out, stripped & celebrated.

HUSTLER
+ Dirty like a tickity-tack tranny [vid] and is not even apologising for it
+ Actually has some fascinating articles, and you know, to be honest, the photo spreads really are just an unwelcome distraction**
+ In 2004 profiled the Mills College (who?) Fetish Ball as a rollicking good time. Students found out, got angry.

Round 1
Playboy drops paper on floor, bends to retrieve it, blatantly reveals lack of underwear. [vid]
Hustler gets distracted, throws rock.
- Paper covers rock, Playboy wins, jumps on a trampoline to celebrate.

Round 2
Playboy throws paper again, winks.
Hustler spreads legs like scissors.
- Scissors cut paper, Hustler wins.
- Hustler steals Playboy's hair dye. Playboy ages rapidly as roots grow in.

Round 3
Hustler spreads scissors wider.
Wiser with age, Playboy throws rock.
- Rock bruises scissors/legs, Playboy wins.
- Playboy declared overall victor; Hustler loses ability to walk or run.

Winner (Playboy) receives: home waxing kit, auburn wig.
Loser (Hustler) gets: plumper.

* = He's lying.
** = He's still lying.

Texas vs. California

It's been dying to happen. Both brag at being the bigger state, and both claim to swing the bigger election-year stick. But everyone knows California avocados are used in Texas guacamole, and everyone suspects California's workforce would be small and dwindling had Texas not increased its border patrol.

They compliment one another and yet they are rivals. What Texas started with "Dallas," California finished with "The O.C." What California cleverly concocted (yet ultimately dismembered) with BRING IT ON, versions one to infinitum, Texas repackaged and slyly syndicated in a taut, little reality show called, "Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders." Don't pretend you've never watched it. It's in your Tivo, I've seen it there.

TEXAS
+ Short, stout and very greasy (i.e., not afraid to play dirty, has a low center of gravity)
+ Wields a concealed weapon
+ Remembers the Alamo

CALIFORNIA
+ Tall, lean, muscular, flexible, tanned and powered by hemp root and flaxseed oil
+ Has trained at Equinox with Gunnar Peterson, Fabio, Lance Armstrong, Billy Blanks
+ Constantly high on medical marijuana

Round 1
California throws recycled paper.
Texas throws rock.
- Paper covers rock, California wins.

Round 2
Texas throws rock.
California uses paper from round one, rolls a blunt, gets hungry, forgets to throw.
- California forfeits, Texas wins.

Round 3
California throws scissors.
Texas (concealed weapon alert!) throws the Alamo.
- Robeaucop rules that the Alamo, which is made of stone, qualifies as a rock. Rock smashes scissors, then California; causes an earthquake. Texas wins.

Winner (Texas) receives: lifetime supply of California avocados.
Loser (California) gets: stoned.

Next throwdown will be sticky/sweet.