Sparkling water vs. Spa water

One tastes like soda without the syrup. The other sounds like something you'd stick your feet in for twenty minutes until your toes prune and one of your hangnails gets soft and floats off in the fruit- and veggie-scented foam.

If you haven't yet heard of spa water, or "cucumber water," as it is sometimes called (or "weird water," as I call it), you'll now know, it's the new drinking beverage of the calorie-free elite. No one who makes under $30grand or drives a Taurus is drinking spa water. But on the flip side, no one who actually likes water is drinking sparkling water.

The wine-friendly French have shared their Perrier, the champagne of waters (named thus because it's expensive and super-annoyingly bubbly), and foreigners, forever lapping at their fashionable though at-times misguided coattails, have accepted it for a long time now. And yet we've rejected suppositories. Why? One actually--awkwardly--cures most ills, the other just gives you gas. Okay well, they both give you gas...to be fair. At any rate, I want my water to taste like water and to be still and calm as the spring from which it riseth. Ergo in my opinion, between the faux-waters sparkling and spa, one or the other or both must go. No glove-to-face-I-challenge-you-to-a-deul [vid] slapping, though. We'll settle this the roshambo way.

SPARKLING WATER
+ Not really champagne, except for those on a 12-step programme
+ Not really sparkling, unless you confuse gas with glitter (oops, I just glittered all over your face!) [vid]
+ Not really water

SPA WATER
+ Kind of tastes good if you don't really think about what's in it
+ Kind of tastes confusing if you do
+ Inherently jealous of juice

Round 1
Sparkling Water burps, throws rock.
Spa Water holds up paper to shield face from glitter.
- Paper covers rock; Spa Water wins.

Round 2
Sparkling Water distracts Spa Water with a French kiss, throws the Rosetta Stone (French edition).
Spa Water gets weak in the knees, forgets to throw.
- Considered a forfeit; Sparking Water wins.

Round 3
Sparkling Water throws Rosetta Stone, Level Deux.
Spa Water gets hit, forfeits again.
- Sparkling Water wins.

Yeah, weird, the bubbles beat out the over-fortified water. That doesn't even make sense. I guess that means the spa really is just for your feet.

Winner (Sparkling Water) receives: top shelf space at Costco.
Loser (Spa Water) gets: bottled and distributed by Coca-Cola.