Paper vs. Plastic

Paper or plastic? A quintessential question that always, without fail, always makes me feel guilty for forgetting to bring my own shopping bag to Trader Joe's, the popular West Coast grocer that sells mostly organic and frowns at superfluous packaging. Forget your bag at Ralph's or Albertson's, who gives a damn, but TJ's inadvertently makes me feel like I hate the environment every time they give the customers right before me 10cents off, or a photo spread in the TJ Times, or a sticker/key to the city/free sex pass, all for bringing their own grocery bags.

Once it gets to my turn in the queue, I ramble about how I usually bring my own bag, and the store clerk smiles thinly as his register belt cohort wastefully begins double-sacking all my groceries in both paper and plastic. I look on, appalled, but don't even stop him. For shame.

Why don't I just leave that thing in my trunk? It's huge and mesh and white. That's right, mesh. So obviously, I don't use that bag for anything else--and since I always forget it, I actually don't use that bag for anything at all. So I guess next time when asked, I will have to choose. No more double-bagging!*

PAPER
+ Sturdy under pressure
+ Brown
+ Loves your mom even if you don't

PLASTIC
+ Can dopplegang as helmet/bike seat cover/sleeves/pants/strangulation device when it rains or when you hate someone
+ Enjoys long walks on the beach, dancing in the wind
+ Easier to stuff under the sink, swear you'll use for trash, soon forget about, and eventually throw away, all in order to make room for another behemoth soon-to-be forgotten pile

Round 1
Paper throws paper (natch).
Suffering from fear of abandonment and self-esteem issues, Plastic throws scissors, cuts itself, cries for attention.
- Scissors cut paper, Plastic wins.
- Both Paper and Plastic too injured to continue the throwdown.
- Plastic declared overall victor.

Winner (Plastic) receives: invitation to singles mixer, group therapy.
Loser (Paper) gets: tossed.

* = Unless I ever win that free sex pass.