Jergens vs. Vaseline Brand

Who's got dry hands? Put your hand up; you might think you don't, but you actually do. If no one's told you, it's because they do, too. I don't know which is worse--coarse and dry or cold and clammy (roshambo alert!)--but I do know soft and smooth is better than both. When you shake hands for an interview, you want your grip to be direct like a self-starter, firm like a multi-tasker, and juuuuust soft enough that it seems doubtful that you've ever done an ounce of actual work in your entire life. And for that, you need a great hand lotion.

I know, I know. Some boys use lotion for more than just the "interview stroke." Most boys. But smart boys--and girls--will appreciate there are better things to do with that lotion and those hands. Going so far as to confront her all-work-no-play hands with her doctor, my mother has tried both Jergens and Vaseline Brand, and she swears by Jergens. It's actually kind of strange, you know, to hear her do it: "By Jergens, I'm not putting you in my will." That sounds weird. But I trust her choice in this matter just as much as I don't trust this guy. Besides, does anyone actually use Vaseline Brand lotion? I'll answer that question--the answer is no. Lubriderm or Curel or Aveeno, maybe. Vaseline Brand, unless it's a different soft touch you're after, not likely.

JERGENS
+ Soft as a baby's bottom
+ Sounds Swedish
+ Actually, like most things, comes from Japan

VASELINE BRAND
+ Mother of Tyra's favorite product [vid]; i.e., attracts the crazy
+ Usually less expensive
+ Has creepy commercials [vid]

Round 1
VB throws early (natch), throws paper.
Jergen's sees the attack, throws scissors.
- Scissors cut paper; Jergens wins.

Round 2
Jergens confuses Vaseline with its fruity-smelling Original Scent. Excited, Vaseline again squirts early, again throws paper.
Jergens throws scissors.
- Scissors cut paper; Jergens wins.
- Jergens declared overall victor.

Winner (Jergens) receives: a hand to hold.
Loser (Vaseline) gets: stunted growth.

But look, Vaseline. No one's asking you to go away, just to stick to your own turf. You have a petroleum jelly. Kao Corporation is too busy to ever make it over there, so why don't you just lay off? Or jack-off. Consider roshambo your chance to exit this end of the skin care aisle with your dignity in tact. Sort of.