Playboy vs. Hustler

There are tons and tons of dirty magazines out there. Like loads of them. Perfect 10, Tail Ends, Naughty Neighbors, High Society, Hometown Girls, D-Cup, Nugget, Chic, Game, Barely Legal, Celebrity Skin, Buttman, Manga Burikko, Just Us Boys, Male Insider, Gasm, Swank, Juggs, Thrust, Vulcan, Penthouse, Plumper...the list goes on. I almost want to be disturbed, but I actually just find it all kind of funny--that's what your boyfriend says about porn, too, isn't it?*

Well, some of these magazines enter and exit the scene so fast (zing!), your baser fetishes are left feeling as cheated and used as a dirty condom found in a neighborhood playground. But others stand the test of time, resilient, like that infamous stain on Lewinsky's LBD. What is their secret? The caliber of writing? The humorous letters to the editor? Perhaps both? To really find out, I think we've just got to ask two of the longer-performing (that's right!) publications to enter the ring.

PLAYBOY
+ Large house with grotto, old man with TV-show
+ Like a true gentleman, prefers blondes (but probably wouldn't kick a redhead out of bed for eating crackers)
+ Rumored to have once chosen Stanford University's Exotic Erotic as one of the hottest college parties of the year. Students found out, stripped & celebrated.

HUSTLER
+ Dirty like a tickity-tack tranny [vid] and is not even apologising for it
+ Actually has some fascinating articles, and you know, to be honest, the photo spreads really are just an unwelcome distraction**
+ In 2004 profiled the Mills College (who?) Fetish Ball as a rollicking good time. Students found out, got angry.

Round 1
Playboy drops paper on floor, bends to retrieve it, blatantly reveals lack of underwear. [vid]
Hustler gets distracted, throws rock.
- Paper covers rock, Playboy wins, jumps on a trampoline to celebrate.

Round 2
Playboy throws paper again, winks.
Hustler spreads legs like scissors.
- Scissors cut paper, Hustler wins.
- Hustler steals Playboy's hair dye. Playboy ages rapidly as roots grow in.

Round 3
Hustler spreads scissors wider.
Wiser with age, Playboy throws rock.
- Rock bruises scissors/legs, Playboy wins.
- Playboy declared overall victor; Hustler loses ability to walk or run.

Winner (Playboy) receives: home waxing kit, auburn wig.
Loser (Hustler) gets: plumper.

* = He's lying.
** = He's still lying.