Laffy Taffy vs. Werther's Originals

Ah, the candy of our youth. Sometimes adult life can be a tired mess of social, fiscal and hormonal responsibility, but at least we're wise enough to know that sweet nostalgia often quells the tide of present despair.* And oh, is it sweet. As sweet, squishy and suspiciously bright as Wonka's Laffy Taffy, and as creamy smooth as that golden, buttery orb known as the Original. The Werther's Original.

But were the memories all so grand? One treat reminds you of afternoons spent at the State Fair, riding El Conquistador [vid] just one more time before puking up your lunch (great memory); the other, of Grandpa's clammy hand patting your head just a little too hard right before his teeth fall out and Mom ushers him back to that place she has erroneously nicknamed "the home" (not so great--it's obviously not THE home, as it's nowhere near any house). Bottom line: both candies are sweet, they're both relatively un-imitated in the candy world, and they both don't really have a place in your current life. You chew Nicorette and suck on other things now. But which one deserves more of your daytime dreamtime?

LAFFY TAFFY
+ Five original flavors (sour apple, grape, strawberry, cherry and--mmmm--banana), denotes versatility
+ Odd sense of humor (What's an owl's favorite subject? Owlgebra!)
+ Chewy enough to unhinge your braces from your molars

WERTHER'S ORIGINALS
+ Many alternate uses (fishing bait, earrings, toy car wheels or--consider it--small frisbee), denotes versatility
+ Sweetness enclosed in a hard exterior
+ Smells like Robert Rockwell

Round 1
Taffy throws its wrapper (i.e., paper).
Werther climbs uphill, both ways, barefoot, in the SNOW for Pete's sake. Finds rusty old scissors, throws scissors.
- Scissors cut paper, Werther wins.

Round 2
Thinking to crack Old Werther, Taffy throws rock.
Werther throws a set of dentures (i.e., rock).
- Draw
- Taffy tells a joke to break the tension (What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? A chipmonk!)
- Werther chuckles, pats Taffy on the head. Thump, thump, thump.

Round 3
Taffy goes wild, throws scissors.
Werther throws the same rusty scissors from Round 1.
- Draw
- Werther's Originals declared as victor.

Winner (Werther's Originals) receives: shoes, snowmobile, set of new teeth.
Loser (Laffy Taffy) gets: braces.

* = Disclaimer: If you were Jamie Lee Curtis or in a foster home as a child, it's probably better to just keep looking ahead.

Next throwdown might be scandalous.