Don Cheadle vs. Terrence Howard

Does one chiseled, famous black person ruin the chances for all the other brothas in this town? Don't ask Denzel Washington. Ask Cuba Gooding Jr. Once Terrence Howard came along--light-skinned, light-voiced and pretending to be all sorts of tough just like him--suddenly Cuba was relegated to the likes of...SNOW DOGS.

As in the Tyra vs. Namoi battle [vid], there seems to be only room for one black person on this Hollywood runway. Ironically, there's room for multiple Asians, as long as they stick to martial arts (see: Jackie Chan, Lucy Liu, Jet Li, Kung Fu Panda), but Terrence had better stay on his toes and/or hire a CAA agent, or he may soon be ousted, and would you like to know by whom? Of course, you would.

The Hollywood Reporter reports today that Don Cheadle has been tapped--or rather, aggressively poked and subsequently friended on Facebook, Hollywood Edition--to reprise the role of Colonel James Rhoades (Stark's sidekick) in the IRON MAN sequel, set for a 2010 release. Variety claims that poor Howie didn't even see it coming, though THR says the communication breakdown was a financial one. Well, "give me more money" can sometimes sound like "find yourself cheaper talent," especially in an economic wind tunnel. But now's your chance for redemption, T-Dawg. Well-bred gentlemen these days sue each other when there's this type of contract-related tension, but since a lawsuit would be expensive, and the DOW hasn't fully recovered, how about an old-school duel featuring the fist...the splayed hand...and the peace sign.

DON CHEADLE
+ Currently wrapping on HOTEL FOR DOGS, which smells...a wee bit like another animal-related stinker
+ Produced and starred in TRAITOR; i.e., may very well be untrustworthy
+ Fakes a mean British accent, despite being from Missouri

TERRENCE HOWARD
+ Tougher than Cuba (evidenced by singing "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" [vid])
+ Has two first names...as his whole name
+ Expensive and a little high maintenance, apparently

Round 1
Cheadle acts all sorts of tough; throws scissors.
Terrence defends his name, throws his birth certificate (paper).
- Scissors cut paper; Cheadle wins.

Round 2
Cheadle, nervous about failing again, drops his rate, throws a family picture.
Terrence throws a rock. Because he is tough. And it is hard out there for a pimp.
- Robeaucop rules that "family picture" passes for paper, as it is drawn on poster board.
- Paper covers rock; Cheadle wins.
- Cheadle declared overall victor.

Winner (Don Cheadle) receives: IRON MAN 3, duh.
Loser (Terrence Howard) gets: a BOAT TRIP. Now, is that really losing?

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: from Flickr