First Aid Kit vs. Swiss Army Knife

Oh, this is a toughy....I know Boy Scouts will vote for the latter, elementary school teachers, the former. In fact, those same teachers most likely would vehemently shun the latter. You need pens. You need paper. You need safety scissors, Cheerios and Dr. Seuss. Only thing you definitely DON'T need in a first-grade classroom is a Swiss Army Knife. Little Susie gets mad at Lewis, shanks him, and then we gotta pull out the first aid kit! Looks like one begs for the presence of the other. And that, my friends, is exactly why parents send their kids to private school: no knives, lots of Adderall. Expensive as crazy, but for the continuation of Lewis's soon-to-be-psychosis-rich life chock full of Absent Daddy issues...worth every pill-poppin' penny.

FIRST AID KIT
+ From tweezers to finger splints to instant cold compresses, the best ones are filled with so many things, it's almost ridiculous (seriously, what's with the whisk?)
+ Cheaper than private school
+ Frequent use turns your kid into a weenie

SWISS ARMY KNIFE
+ Actually still used by the Swiss Army!
+ The commemorative 2006 version, The Giant, has 85 devices and 110 functions!
+ Favored tool of super celebrity secret agent Angus MacGyver [vid]!

Round 1
First Aid Kit throws rolls and rolls of paper bandages.
Swiss Army Knife folds out a minute pair of scissors.
- Scissors cut paper, Swiss Army Knife wins.

Round 2
First Aid Kit throws whisk.
Swiss Army Knife throws Phillips-head screwdriver.
- Robeaucop flags both players for illegal substitution, replay allowed.
First Aid Kit throws trauma shears.
Swiss Army Knife throws corkscrew, nail file, toothpick, pliers, LED light and a laser pointer.
- Robeaucoup flags SAK again. First Aid Kit declared winner.

Round 3
Wising up, Swiss Army Knife once again throws its very small scissors.
First Aid Kit gets hit, bursts into tears, whines for a band-aid like an idiot.
- First Aid Kit forfeits, Swiss Army Knife declared winner.
- After a shaky second round, SAK has come out on top and is declared overall winner.

Winner (Swiss Army Knife) receives: complete box set of MacGyver.
Loser (First Aid Kit) gets: a slew of prescription pills to numb the pain.