IHOP vs. Denny's

I forgot to fast-forward through a commercial break while watching some mundane weeknight television show one mundane weeknight, and I noticed that IHOP--that's THE International House of Pancakes, people--is having a bit of a holiday special. For the end of the scariest month of the year, IHOP is helping hungover Halloween revelers around the country celebrate with endless pancakes! That's right! All! You! Can! Eat! The commercial somehow tried to weave a theme of "trick or treat" into their eerily-lit, orange-colored pancake schematic, but it is quite obvious, from front to back and in both certain and uncertain terms: this is clearly, clearly a treat. What in life could be better than a fluffy, hot buttermilk short stack?

Denny's, IHOP's ugly cousin, asked themselves the same question and came up with the $4 Weekday Express Slam. In appreciation of American brokeness, the already alarmingly cheap 24/7 eatery is lowering its prices even more to offer two pancakes, 2 eggs and 2 meat-du-choix from 5am to 4pm every mundane day of the week--for a limited time only.

In reality, both chains are promoting their respective specials to appeal to the current communal desire to (a)spend less money while eating out, and (b)eat large amounts of breakfast at 3am. But only one of these chains actually has good food. And it ain't Denny's. I know, I know, some might say--what's the difference? Aren't they both 24hr diners with weak drip coffee, dirty bathrooms, and too many police in the entryway? And to those people I say, close your mouths. Don't desecrate The Hop by comparing her to the likes of Denny's--or even Grandy's, Mel's or Ruby's. Mel's is over-priced, Ruby's has only been around 25 years to IHOP's fifty, and Grandy's slogan is "a mouthful of memories." That is never what I want to think after eating out. As for Denny's, which is older than IHOP and disgustingly still alive, there's no excuse for the comparison. You will see in a matter of rounds how different the two pancake purveyors really are.

IHOP
+ Serves Russian blintzes, French toast and Belgian waffles, i.e., not xenophobic
+ Owns Applebees. Which is where you belong. (think about it)
+ Actually has amazing pancakes. They are really good. Don't get the steak, though. The place isn't called IHOS for a reason.

DENNY'S
+ Considered being a tickity-tack tranny before entering the restaurant business (true story)*
+ Helps starving musicians gain weight, get fat, get heart problems**
+ Briefly held a recurring guest spot on Grey's Anatomy

Round 1
IHOP throws a pancake (natch).
Denny's throws a Lumberjack Slam.
- Robeaucop rules pancake serves as paper; flags Denny's for throwing a person. However, Denny's lumberjack pulls out a pair of shears, surprising the onlookers.
- Scissors cut pancake; Denny's wins.

Round 2
Pissed at the secret attack from Round 1, IHOP throws Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n' Fruity.
Denny's throws Moons Over My Hammy.
- Robeaucop flags them both for Illegal Substitution. Playing dirty like a TTT, Denny's moons IHOP. IHOP gets rooty tooty and farts on Denny's; fight breaks out. Both subside shortly, however, out of breath and fearing complications from high cholesterol.

Round 3
Denny's throws a biscuit (hard as a rock).
IHOP throws a steak (is a rock).
- Draw.
- Denny's declared the winner. IHOP sulks, tries not to cry, demands a rematch. Denny's has already left the ring to celebrate with a victory 400-calorie milkshake.

Winner (Denny's) receives: all-he-can-eat IHOP pancakes, quickly followed by a heart transplant.
Loser (alas, poor IHOP) gets: everything on the Denny's dinner menu.

What should throwdown next?

* = May or may not be a true story.
** = Actually is a true story (which I must grudgingly admit I admire).

Photos: LA Times