Election Special: Barack Obama vs. John McCain

If you have a TV, radio, computer, iPhone, crackberry or an okay friend who might be kind of annoying but who let's you borrow their gear, you'll have already heard that the 44th President of the United States has been named. His name is Barack Obama (add or drop a "Hussein," depending on your political leaning). At 11pm EST right as the West Coast polls closed, CNN delcared him the victor of one of the most controversial political races in American history with a huge "Breaking News" banner that interrupted the dramatic countdown everyone in my living room was enjoying. And that was it. Barack won.

But with 349 electoral votes, Barack Obama didn't just "win" this election. He kinda crushed it. Some news stations are calling it "close," but keep in mind it takes 270 electoral votes to win. At 48 states reporting, McCain had 147. And to remind you...Barack's at 349. Is that "close?" Or "lucky?" Or is it America finally waking up and smelling the eight-year old, over-roasted, teeth-staining, chagrin-inducing coffee?

Like "Danny Boy" in the British ditty, the pipes, the pipes, are calling old Johnny boy--and telling him to pack up his things, go back to his eight houses and weep behind clothes doors like a man of the people. Because clearly, in the game of politics, Barack has whooped McCain, and as we were amused to find in the battle of Texas vs. California, the pipes--or was it the joints?--usually signal a quick finish. If it were all decided by roshambo, however...who really would be our president?

BARACK OBAMA
+ So intelligent, he might be a computer
+ Supports budget cuts, universal health care and change
+ Flanked by two beautiful children...and an embarrassingly talkative vice president

JOHN MCCAIN
+ So old, he might be a dinosaur
+ Flanked by a wife he calls a trollop and...an embarrassingly talkative vice president (you betcha!)
+ Loves Joe Six-Pack, Joe the Plumber, Joe Blow Bubble-Gum, Bazooka Joe, The Joe-nas Brothers...and anything else that involves the name "Joe"

Round 1
Obama throws rock, encourages us to Ba-ROCK the vote.
McCain throws paper, realises he's out of money, takes the paper back, and hence forfeits his throw.
- Due to forfeit, Barack Obama wins.

Round 2
Obama throws change.
McCain scoops up the change, uses it for one last round of attack ads.
- Robeaucop flags Obama for illegal substitution, flags McCain for dirty campaigning. Rematch allowed.

Round 3
Obama throws a stack of ballots to all the swing states.
McCain throws a stack of ballots, but only at his constituency in Arizona.
- Draw.
- McCain, out of breath, asks for a sub. In an unprecedented move, Robeaucop allows McCain to sub in his running mate, Sarah Palin, who winks at the camera.

Round 4
Obama throws rock.
Palin throws a polar bear, shoots it in the face.
- Robeaucop flags Palin for unsportsmanlike conduct. One more flag and this match is over.
- Obama smiles confidently, but not too confidently, encouraging MoveOn.org to keep rolling calls.
- Palin asks for clarification on the rules of the game, gets "coached" by her party for a few days in the woods; returns without her rifle, ready for Round 5.

Round 5
Obama throws Pennsylvania.
Palin throws Alaska.
- Again, Robeaucop called in on the play. Declares both states, as masses of land, can count for rock. Win decided by electoral vote count.
- Pennsylvania = 21; Alaska = 3.
- Well, tell ya what, Sarah, looks like you plum lost right there.
- Barack Obama declared overall victor. John blames himself. Sarah blames Sarah.

Winner (Barack Obama) receives: the presidency. A very strong secret service unit. Lots of loose change.
Loser (John McCain/Sarah Palin) gets: Alaska.

Who should throwdown next?

Photos: BarackObama.com

Corned Beef vs. French Dip

Okay, you got me. I'm vegetarian! I don't and wouldn't eat either of these sandwiches. But a recent discussion with a meat-lovin' friend told me they deserved comparison, and I'd venture she's right. Is the French dip really French? Does the corned beef actually feature corn? Both valid questions that meat-hexing me (or, grammatically, I) am about to answer, and here's why:

About a week ago in the city of Los Angeles, there was an event for a restaurant known as Philippe the Original, which calls itself "the birthplace of the French dip sandwich." Now why a sandwich knows as "French" wasn't born in, say, France (or at least Martinique) escapes me. But they recently celebrated their 100th anniversary with a little promotion known as the day-long, 10-cent French Dip. Unlike the $5 foot-long from Subway, which is thus-priced due to the crappiness of its quality, this promotion was in honor of Philippe's historical prices.

Likewise, an LA deli known as Canter's celebrated its umpteenth with a similarly historically-priced special (60cents for sixty years) featuring their corned beef on rye. To me, all gross. But apparently there were huge lines at both places, and now the sandwiches want to throwdown. We know which was the better deal (Canter's sandwich was hefty, the line for dine-in was no wait--as opposed to Philippe's hour-and-a-half for an "original"-sized Freedom-wich--and the Canter's meal was complete with a side of chocolate rugula and a pickle!). But which is the better SANDWICH?

CORNED BEEF
+ By definition, is a cut of brisket cured or pickled in a seasoned brine
+ Sounds gross
+ Looks a little gross, too

FRENCH DIP
+ Los Angeles birthplace is disputable
+ So is its actual nationality
+ Sounds like a dance move

Round 1
Corned Beef throws paper.
French Dip throws soggy paper.
- Draw

Round 2
Corned Beef dries up, gets tough, throws rock.
French Dip stays moist. Moist. Yum. Throws paper again.
- Paper slops atop the rock; French Dip wins.

Round 3
Corned Beef throws rock again.
French Dip dips, dodges rock while throwing scissors.
- Despite the dip, rock blunts scissors; Corned Beef wins.

Round 4
Corned Beef too dried up to throw; forfeits.
French Dip strokes his moustache; begins eating his own face.
- French Dip declared overall winner by way of forfeit.

Winner (French Dip) receives: dual US-EU citizenship, chocolate rugula, and a pickle!
Loser (Corned Beef) gets: another brine bath.

Who should throwdown next?

Photo: provided by Carly Mizzou

Sparkling water vs. Spa water

One tastes like soda without the syrup. The other sounds like something you'd stick your feet in for twenty minutes until your toes prune and one of your hangnails gets soft and floats off in the fruit- and veggie-scented foam.

If you haven't yet heard of spa water, or "cucumber water," as it is sometimes called (or "weird water," as I call it), you'll now know, it's the new drinking beverage of the calorie-free elite. No one who makes under $30grand or drives a Taurus is drinking spa water. But on the flip side, no one who actually likes water is drinking sparkling water.

The wine-friendly French have shared their Perrier, the champagne of waters (named thus because it's expensive and super-annoyingly bubbly), and foreigners, forever lapping at their fashionable though at-times misguided coattails, have accepted it for a long time now. And yet we've rejected suppositories. Why? One actually--awkwardly--cures most ills, the other just gives you gas. Okay well, they both give you gas...to be fair. At any rate, I want my water to taste like water and to be still and calm as the spring from which it riseth. Ergo in my opinion, between the faux-waters sparkling and spa, one or the other or both must go. No glove-to-face-I-challenge-you-to-a-deul [vid] slapping, though. We'll settle this the roshambo way.

SPARKLING WATER
+ Not really champagne, except for those on a 12-step programme
+ Not really sparkling, unless you confuse gas with glitter (oops, I just glittered all over your face!) [vid]
+ Not really water

SPA WATER
+ Kind of tastes good if you don't really think about what's in it
+ Kind of tastes confusing if you do
+ Inherently jealous of juice

Round 1
Sparkling Water burps, throws rock.
Spa Water holds up paper to shield face from glitter.
- Paper covers rock; Spa Water wins.

Round 2
Sparkling Water distracts Spa Water with a French kiss, throws the Rosetta Stone (French edition).
Spa Water gets weak in the knees, forgets to throw.
- Considered a forfeit; Sparking Water wins.

Round 3
Sparkling Water throws Rosetta Stone, Level Deux.
Spa Water gets hit, forfeits again.
- Sparkling Water wins.

Yeah, weird, the bubbles beat out the over-fortified water. That doesn't even make sense. I guess that means the spa really is just for your feet.

Winner (Sparkling Water) receives: top shelf space at Costco.
Loser (Spa Water) gets: bottled and distributed by Coca-Cola.

Texas vs. California

It's been dying to happen. Both brag at being the bigger state, and both claim to swing the bigger election-year stick. But everyone knows California avocados are used in Texas guacamole, and everyone suspects California's workforce would be small and dwindling had Texas not increased its border patrol.

They compliment one another and yet they are rivals. What Texas started with "Dallas," California finished with "The O.C." What California cleverly concocted (yet ultimately dismembered) with BRING IT ON, versions one to infinitum, Texas repackaged and slyly syndicated in a taut, little reality show called, "Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders." Don't pretend you've never watched it. It's in your Tivo, I've seen it there.

TEXAS
+ Short, stout and very greasy (i.e., not afraid to play dirty, has a low center of gravity)
+ Wields a concealed weapon
+ Remembers the Alamo

CALIFORNIA
+ Tall, lean, muscular, flexible, tanned and powered by hemp root and flaxseed oil
+ Has trained at Equinox with Gunnar Peterson, Fabio, Lance Armstrong, Billy Blanks
+ Constantly high on medical marijuana

Round 1
California throws recycled paper.
Texas throws rock.
- Paper covers rock, California wins.

Round 2
Texas throws rock.
California uses paper from round one, rolls a blunt, gets hungry, forgets to throw.
- California forfeits, Texas wins.

Round 3
California throws scissors.
Texas (concealed weapon alert!) throws the Alamo.
- Robeaucop rules that the Alamo, which is made of stone, qualifies as a rock. Rock smashes scissors, then California; causes an earthquake. Texas wins.

Winner (Texas) receives: lifetime supply of California avocados.
Loser (California) gets: stoned.

Next throwdown will be sticky/sweet.